More Light than You Care to See

Labor Day weekend. A new light. Still, low expectations. 

Text messages nearly every day, mainly in the afternoon and evening. She was brilliant. 22. He couldn't see her full light at first. 

A week went by. Two. He smiled. Every single day. She invited him for drinks. But it didn't happen. 

He wondered if she was inside his mind, sitting next to him. A part of him that had been asleep for years was awakened. 

She told him he was positive, encouraging. He'd dreamed of taking his life just 8 weeks before. His only smiles came from her. The episodes still plagued him. But a brightness marked his days. 

One day, they met. He'd called her the day before. He'd wanted to see her. Couldn't contain himself. Near-euphoria had come over him as she described her work, her art. 

Over coffee, he fell for her. He knew. 

Two weeks later, a magic trip. A reality he didn't know was possible. A realization of the light he could hold each day. Of the brightness they could create together. 

He didn't deserve this, he thought. Happiness… True happiness. That was for other people. A few. But not him.  

He shifted. He did deserve this. He wasn't afraid to win. A bumpy road ahead? Maybe. Likely. But complete happiness. 

He told her all of him. The ugly parts. 

And she shared hers. 

Tears. He cried for the first time in years. 

The intimacy they shared .. They shared intimacy. That wasn't for him, either. But he found it. They found it. 

He knew inside it wouldn't last. Her star was too bright. His time with her would be short, he saw. 

But he tried something new. He showed her all. The dark and the light. 

And it stopped. 

The months of light turned to a day, two days, three weeks of darkness. The memory of her light burned inside him. He would not forget. 

More light than she cared to see. 

More love than he'd ever felt. 

That brightness, her star… Drove him forward. 

The light they had shared… Would sustain him

I didn't jump

I didn’t jump when she touched me.

That’s how I knew.

It was as if she’d always touched me, as if I’d always touched her

As if we’d been together forever… as If we were part of each other

When she kissed me, it was like I’d always kissed her, like I’d kissed no one else

She fell asleep in my arms and my heart caught on fire

She knew exactly when, exactly how

Exactly what I needed and I didn’t ever ask

Even My Dreams Were Small

Before you

Even my dreams were small

I used to dream. 

In this great, mundane life of mine 

I had a world. Better than where I’m from 

Safe. Comfortable 

My fantasies seemed exotic, adventurous

Then you 

A reality so bright

I knew it was real. Where I belonged. 

Where we belonged 

And then you were gone

And my dreams 

The ones I’d had before

Those dreams, those fantasies

Pale when compared to the reality of you 

My dreams were not enough

So accustomed to accepting less

I even dreamed small dreams 

Simple escapes

I never knew reality could mean you

Could mean love 

Could mean a world I wanted. 

Deep inside

A world I’d long since forgotten I’d ever thought of

A world for someone else

Then you

Opening my eyes

Holding my heart

Showing me all of me

All of us

A reality I now long to claim

And will claim

And you

I want you there

By my side

The two of us

Claiming a world we deserve 

Our reality bigger than any dream

Our light bolder than all others 

Embracing every possibility 

Creating even more

The end of small dreams

The beginning of fantastic reality

A world spinning at the touch of our hands

Dark

The room was dark. So dark I couldn’t see her. She couldn’t see me

But I felt her. Felt desire. Heat. Hunger. 

She felt me

I can feel her fingers on my shoulders. Gripping. Holding me as if she’d never held anyone. 

I can feel my hands. On her waist. On the curve of her hips. Pulling her to me. As close as I could. 

I can feel desire growing. 

And I All I want. All we want. Is for our lips to dance. To sing to each other. 

To say: I know.

Five Minutes

I have five minutes.

I have just five minutes.

Here is what I want:

I want to feel the grip of your long, pale fingers around my shoulders.

Feel you hold me like you've never held a man before.

Feel you kiss me like my breath is the air you breathe.

Feel you close to me like no one has ever been before

Feel you want me closer … closer … closer

Not two who become one... not me inside you

But...our minds, our hearts, inside each other

Our bodies unable to stop

I'm pulling you to me

You're kissing me so I can't breathe

The only air is you

The only way out is you

The only hope is you

YOU are all that is in this room

And for just five minutes

I want you to hold me, kiss me, pull me to you

Just five more minutes

Just like that

Like that night

And then I'll go

I'll go away

At 44, I'll be gone

From you

Forever

I'll give you all I have

All the nothing I've acquired

If you'll give just five minutes

The Journey

So. I keep a catalog in my mind of all the moments of happiness. The minutes of pure joy. 

I would trade all of them, every single one. For the chance to be completely available when we met. 

You … us.  Being with you. I was happy. Really, truly happy. For those few months, I was happy. Before then, you were the light of my days. And then, you were a fire in my soul. Our trip, our escape… a fantasy. A reality… a kind of love I’d forgotten I’d ever wanted. 

I’m ok now. Alone. I’m happy. That fire didn’t go out. You still burn inside me. 

But. I want you. You were there when this journey started. I want you with me now. Today. For as long as we both can walk this path. Even if it is only until tomorrow. 

Together, our fire will drive the world.

She Touched Me

I was 43 the first time.

I was 43.

43 the first time someone really touched me.

43 when I felt what it was like for someone to touch me.

To touch me with love.

To touch me without judgment.

To touch me without hurting me.

I was 43 when I was touched for the first time.

No questions.

No reservations.

No holding back.

She touched me.

Wholly. Completely.

She touched me.

I was 43 the first time.