I Wanna Learn a Love Song

So, I've always loved Harry Chapin -- it's a thing I shared with my dad. He'd play a Harry Chapin tape in his car -- the one with the cassette player. And he knew all the lyrics and he'd sing terribly along and I'd laugh with him.

Lately, I've been thinking of this Harry Chapin song: I wanna learn a love song. In particular, these lyrics:

And all them pinup girls in that tinsel world
Never touched me like she can

Chapin was comparing the woman he was with (Sandy, his eventual wife) to the women he'd met during time he spent in California.

But here's the thing: Sandy was married to a lawyer and had three kids.

Harry was just there to teach guitar.

What happened next didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical.

Sandy was married. Harry was a young guy trying to make it in music with no money.

Sandy had kids...

Sandy was another man's wife.

Sandy didn't want to "learn a love song..." Sandy wanted to be in love.

I'm sure she had good feelings about her husband... I'm sure she'd told him she loved him. I'm sure she did love him.

They had three children together. By all accounts, there life was "on track."

But what Harry felt -- and what Sandy felt - was LOVE.

Ultimately, Sandy left her husband and married Harry.


The bottom line: The two of them felt love for each other -- true, intense, deep love. Harry made something happen inside Sandy that no one else had. She left a good life and a family to claim that feeling.

This … this song. This is how I felt about .. her.

Sure, the circumstances were different.

But the feeling...

I told her on the phone one night that I couldn't describe how I felt about her... I had no words.

I make money from writing... from telling stories... from using words to paint pictures. And no words could describe how my heart felt with her... none.

None of how we met or dated or came together made any sense. At all. If I told this story to 1000 people, none of them would believe it. If I told to 10 people who've known me for some time, none of them would believe it.

I thought there was maybe a 1% chance she'd say yes to a coffee date IF I called her. We'd tried to meet via text and it just wasn't happening... so, I reasoned, if she verbally agreed, maybe she'd meet me.

I HATE using the phone... I hate calling people, I hate phone calls generally, I can't end them without feeling awkward, etc... everything about a phone call drives me crazy.

But...there was a 1 in 100 chance that IF I called her, she'd agree to meet me... to sit across from me and have coffee and look into my eyes. That's only slightly better than the 0 in 100 chance she'd do it if I didn't call.

It didn't matter. That slight difference...that chance that there was a chance... that's all I needed.

She said yes.

Holy fuck.

She said yes.

She was going to meet me for coffee.

I texted her the next morning... the day of the date. She was up, she was ready, we were meeting. She texted me when she left her apartment. She was on the way...

She walked in... I hugged her, she hugged me...

 Holy fuck.

ALL the lights went on.

ALL of them.

We talked, we laughed, we hugged, I took her home... we agreed on a lunch date...

I was walking on air.

Lunch..

A trip together... 4 days...just us.

Magic.

I learned a love song.

I learned I'd never really been in love before.

I was 43.

I can talk about why or how I got to 43 without this...

But.

It doesn't matter.

There I was... in love.

In a situation that made ZERO sense.

There I was... in the back of a Lyft in a city I visited often... with her. Crying. Crying in front of another person. Crying in front of her.

Because I knew.. she knew... this was a fantasy.

And... well... we kept on... for a bit.

This is where the story turns...

DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT.

Go back to Derry.

Do what you have to do.

One night, I stood in her kitchen... she already knew more about me than any single person in the world... but, well, I knew what I wanted. And, for the first time in my life, I was going to ask for it. Yeah, I was 43 and fuck you, yeah, I was 43 and there's a lot of reasons why I got to this point ...but God damn it...

Anyway, there I was … in her kitchen. In her apartment. In front of her. Looking into the eyes of a woman I LOVED. I LOVED.

She touched me like no else ever has... like I suspect no one will...

And I said it: I said -- I LOVE YOU.

I told her what I  needed to do... what was next.

And I told her I wanted her to come with me on the journey, even though I knew it would suck... and suck a lot.

It was a journey I'd avoided in 2005, 2012, and 2016 -- each time, the pain grew intense, but I found a "way out" and didn't do ALL I needed to do.

It was … good enough.

Plus, I figured, the odds of meeting someone so amazing I'd want to go through the pain of dealing with all of that... basically ZERO.

Good enough was... well, good enough.

DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT.

I'm ok. I'll be ok.

But I will probably never, ever meet someone like her.

We're talking again... after many months of not.

And … well, it's nice.

But... that … that soul fire... it still burns in me. but she's keeping a safe distance. She probably always will.

I wanna learn a love song... I learned a love song. I got to love and be loved. It may never, ever happen again … though this very scenario seemed so unlikely even just one year ago.

NOTHING feels like this did... like I feel for her.

I will … still … give her all of me and take every bit of her.

But …

She may be waiting... looking for someone who doesn't have all this shit to deal with... someone who has taken Derry head-on and won.

And she deserves every bit of that.

I'm getting there... but I don't blame her skepticism.

I learned a love song... I was in love with someone who was in love with me.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

That may never, ever happen...

again.

And the one lesson I take from that is: the pain of dealing with shit any time BEFORE I met her...

I would climb the highest mountain and meet 1000 snakes if I knew at the end, I'd see her face.

But life doesn't work like that... you can't go back and make different choices.

So.. confront your demons... deal with your shit.

Be ready for that surprise love song to get to you.

I saw Nirvana and I saw it slip away.. yes, I held it for a moment... and I'll cherish that forever... perhaps... maybe, it will come around again... she will come around again...

But the pain of not knowing... of walking away … of watching her leave...

I wanna learn a love song... and sing it with her until I die.