Let me say this

When you texted me... just then. That night. You said, "How are you?!"

That's what you said.

Let me say this: The woman I love more than I've every loved anyone hasn't talked to me in nine months... how do you think I am?

Let me say this: I thought I'd been in love before, I really did. I thought I'd given all of me.

But: I hadn't.

There's no reason you would or should believe me. I'm sure other people have said, "I love you more than anything" to you before.

But.

Dammit.

Here's the fucking evidence.

I told you EVERYTHING.

All of it.

Remember that night? Of course you do, you remember everything! The first night we were really alone together. And I told you about Michelle? Remember? Who the fuck does that? NO ONE. No man would tell you that story on his first night alone with you unless...

Unless he was already in love with you.

Unless he wasn't afraid to win...

Unless he wanted more than anything for YOU to be the one who saw ALL of him.

I LOVE YOU.

Yes, I've said those three words before. And, I've meant them. At least, as I understood them.

But. I LOVE YOU.

You can have: My phone for an entire day to see who I'm texting and who texts me. My bank accounts. My email password. Everything.

For the first time in my life I want to hide NOTHING.

Do you know why?

Because I want ALL of you.

I've already seen a lot.

And I want it all.

If I'm going to ask for all of you (and I am), I will give you ALL of me. No questions, no hiding, no secrets.

Do you know how hard that is?

I am … well, for lack of a better word...sorry.

For so long I thought: I could deal with these issues...BUT...well, it might hurt. A lot.

And, well, my life is pretty fucking pleasant. Is it perfect? No! But, who has a perfect life? Look at the shithole where I came from and then look at this...and then... yeah, why fuck that shit up, right?

In 2005, 2012, and 2016, I had moments that were so intense I thought: Now is the time.

But then, the relative comfort set in … and...

I didn't.

Let me say this: I always thought that dealing with this would be terrible, would be ugly, would be unpleasant.

Do you know what's unpleasant? What's terrible?

Meeting you and becoming a part of you and then realizing that THIS is in the way. This "thing" that I've not addressed.

I'm addressing it now. After

It may well be too late for you...and that's fair. But, I'll be a better man in any case.

NOTHING has hurt like realizing that if I'd just done this sometime before August of 2018, I'd have been totally available for you.

NOTHING hurts that bad.

This hurts.

But also: I'm better and stronger now.

You may still be reluctant, skeptical. Or, maybe you've moved on to someone who has conquered his shit or has less shit to start with... ok.

Just know this: I NOW know what love IS.

I will do anything to be the man you saw inside me. ANYTHING. And I will take ALL of you. I know it is not all sunshine and light. I know. I'll give you ALL of me and I'll take ALL of you.

ALL.

I LOVE YOU.