All

All I needed was a text from you.

That's all.

On Thursday night, I saw a shooting star and I wished... I wished you'd be in my life again.

I know there's probably no "us" -- no "forever" no waking up in your arms in the morning again.

I want that … As I've said, I want all of you... and, I've said: The offer is still on the table.

But. Early Saturday morning, while I was asleep, you reached out.

At first, I thought it was a mistake. But, it wasn't, it turns out. Because you reached out again. And we talked.

And … well, I've cried every single day of 2019 until Saturday. Because when I woke up, your name was in my messages. And... it made me smile. And then, we talked and then again, briefly on Sunday.

And it's Wednesday and I still haven't cried.

Here's the thing: You are ALL.

So many years ago, I faced a choice.

There was the one who made me feel safe... made me know that it was going to be ok, that there would be no surprises. We had fun, we laughed, she was a friend.

Then there was the one who made my heart... made it jump. The one who in just one meeting lit my soul on fire.

What to do?

My life had been so chaotic, so unpredictable until then.

Do I go with the soul on fire and risk security? Not knowing exactly what's next …

Or, do I choose the happy friend, the reliable partner, the one who had been there through some pretty crazy shit?

Then, I got a call. A job. An offer. In the same town where the safe choice was already working. Meanwhile, the soul fire choice was moving to a new town and possibly dating someone.

Plus, even if my soul was on fire *right then* that wouldn't last, right?

And when that fire went out, I'd be left wishing I had a friend... security. A reliable partner to build with...

So, I made a choice. A perfectly rational choice. And it was … well, fine. More than fine. Incredible. Until, well, it wasn't. And there was no distant memory of a soul on fire and there was no new fire.

And then...

You.

All.

You made me feel safe... you made me feel comfortable. You let me know it was ok.

AND you lit my soul on fire.

In a way only one other person ever had.

You were... you ARE all.

When the soul fire burns out (though I suspect it won't), we'll both have a friend. Or, so I reasoned.

Actually, I didn't reason at all.

I just remembered her. The last fire starter... and I thought: This may never happen again.

I don't know what's next. Maybe just this. Maybe a text or a call or a coffee every now and then.

I know I love you. And I will always love you.

I know the fire you started inside me is still burning.

I know you make me feel safe.

All I needed was a text from you. A few words.

I want more... I want ALL.

But... as so often was the case, you gave me just what I needed. What I didn't even realize I needed.

All.