The Inevitable Question

The inevitable question is: How did this happen?

Why was she the one?

Why could she touch me and no one else could?

What made her different?

I have some thoughts.

First, we got to know each other by text for a long time before we ever met.

A very long time. Unusually long, in my view. We kept trying to meet, but it never worked...until, well, it did.

By then, I had a good sense of her.

Either she really WAS this incredible person OR she was playing one hell of a game.

But the long period of communicating in writing certainly made me feel comfortable, even if I was somewhat cautious that first time... confident, but somewhat nervous.

Still, I hugged her. A full, warm embrace. I never hug anyone, even people I know. But, I initiated the hug.

Second, during the texting period, we both opened up -- it was slow, easy, low-key. But, every time I introduced a new, potentially scary reality about me, she was cool with it.

She met me knowing MOST of those things I'm always hesitant to tell anyone. Over and over again she told me I was ok, was better than ok, was amazing.

Over and over again I imagined she was in my house, or had some other way to know how my mind works.

No one's ever talked to me like that.

I've felt good... been attracted to... enjoyed the company of …

But not like that.

Third, she was just plain kind. There was no yelling, no wild excitement. Just her. She was there at our coffee date and just talked to me. Just calm, and comfortable, and we laughed.

She was there at our lunch date and it was the same...just chill, calm, comfortable.

She kissed me tenderly the first time and I kissed back gently and we both laughed and smiled and that was it.

It was, in a way, like talking to myself. To a younger, brighter version of me.

When I held her, it was like I'd always held her.

When we were finally, really alone, it was like I was always alone with her.

I felt comfortable... safe... able to say what I wanted... able to be me and know it was ok.

Later, as she told me more of her, revealed more detail about her life, she marveled at the fact I was "undeterred."

First, I've been through a lot myself.

Second, NO ONE had ever touched me like that. No one had made me feel safe.

Whatever experiences she'd had, those experiences made her the person that reached me like no one else.

After that night... there was almost nothing she could have said that would have made me go away.

I never knew I could be touched like that.

"Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is to live without intimacy..." says Bono on "Every Breaking Wave."

And I assumed that was the case for me...that intimacy, true closeness, tender, sweet lovemaking...would never, ever happen.

And then it did.

With her.

Not having something I didn't even know was possible...it hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. And I've faced a lot of pain.

NOTHING hurts like this.

Sometimes, I think I'd be better off not knowing.

But, that's not true...

I'm so, so very thankful for what she showed me.

It may never, ever happen again.

But now, I know it can. It's possible.

Even before that night, I wanted her badly...was willing to give her all of me...and, after that night, … even today... I'd give her anything... all of me. Everything.

And I'll take ALL of her.

The good, the bad, the hurt, the pain. All of it.

When you can do that... with someone who will do that for you...

That's a rare and special gift... you should appreciate it in the moment, and appreciate it for life.

I often think of "All the Light We Cannot See..."

I saw ALL her light.

I saw it in the moment.

Even then, I knew it might not last...

But I was fully present, fully engaged.

She had all of me.

And all of me is still here for her today, tomorrow, for always.

Away

For what seems like forever...for 100 years...for as long as I can remember the sweetest dream I had was a dream of going away.

I wanted to escape.

To leave home.

To leave here.

To not be... where I was.

I wanted to go away.

I sat in my car and dreamed of going away...

I cried in the men's room at a conference because I wanted to go away.

I sat on the hot black metal park bench at work because I wanted to go away.

Even when I found you, I was thinking of going away.

Of just going away.

As I came to know you, that dream changed.

I wanted to go to you.

And... and I wanted to deal with it all. To be clean and free and completely available to you.

But you took me anyway.

You held me like no one ever has.

You made me feel safe.

And it was a lot … I wasn't used to it. At all.

No one had done that.

And … and I wanted to make it all go away.

Which meant confronting a lot.

And I was … ready.

There was no conflict, no confrontation, no challenge I would not take on if on the other side, I knew you'd be there.

I understand that all of that... all of it still...it's a lot. It's too much, as you finally said. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

But. You made me feel safe. You touched me. You touched me in a way no one has.

And... there is nothing I wouldn't give up to have dealt with much of this before I met you.

Nothing.

I can't go back in time.

I can only go forward.

You challenged me to push forward. Challenged me to be the best me.

If you could see what's happened since, you'd be … proud, amazed, impressed.

You'd smile. I know you would.

I still am working through a lot of this...

But I won't stop.

My dream is that YOU are on the other side.

But... no matter what, the best ME is on the other side.

I won't stop. I can't.

You lit a fire in me that will never burn out.

I want to say thank you.

I want so much more.

I want to see your smile again.

I want you to hold me close and kiss me and tell me I'm you're favorite.

I want to be as deep inside you as I can be and to look into your eyes and kiss you.

I want you to possess me and I want to possess you and I want US to be a flame that lights the night.

And I want to say I'm sorry.

Because I know what I could be for you... I made those choices. The ones before you.

And I can't go away.

I can only take them on. Deal with the consequences. Confront, address, move on.

You made me laugh... you made me smile... and … and I cried with you. Which has never, ever happened before.

You saw weak, hungry, desperate me... you saw me.

And you told me I was ok... told me I was amazing.

I'm still taking them on .. all of them. And I will win.

None of this would have happened without you.

I would have kept going.

Calm, seemingly happy, dying inside.

You showed me the heat of the sun. The light of a star.

I won't walk away anymore. I will take steps forward every single day.

My hope is those steps lead to you.

Nothing

Nothing feels the same.

The little tricks.

The long walks, the loud music, the hot showers.

Nothing feels the same.

All the tiny things, the stolen moments, the mundane, everyday that made me smile.

None of it works now.

Not since you.

Not since I felt fully, completely happy.

I thought I'd been happy before. I thought I'd been whole before. I thought I was … at least fine.

And then … you.

Euphoria.

Words fail to describe the feeling.

Like touching the sun. Or holding a star.

Something impossible...everything impossible -- felt real, felt possible with you.

I was on fire.

That fire still burns.

But the sunny day, the happy song... nothing.

Only an empty heart receives them.

I am … incomplete, desolate, broken...

What would once have brought a certain smile or a hearty laugh bring nothing...

Only you can bring it back.

I only want what I never knew I needed.

Only all of you.

Every day.

Until then, nothing...nothing makes me smile.

Distraction

I was looking for a distraction. A way to keep pushing the feelings down. A way to keep from walking away. A little bit of hope so things wouldn't feel so bad.

I was looking for a distraction. So I could keep from just walking away.

I found you.

I found amazing.

I was able to touch the sun.

I sat next to your star.

You held my hand.

You fell asleep on my chest.

You challenged me.

You confronted me.

You encouraged me.

You were kind to me.

You were more than I could ever imagine.

I was looking for a distraction.

And I found hope.

Light.

Love.

Love.

I found love.

I was loved. By you.

You didn't say it.

But I felt it.

You told me I was ok. All of me was ok.

For the first time, I was loved.

Truly loved.

Deeply loved.

By you.

Could I just let you go?

Could I walk away?

I couldn't.

You did.

I understand.

I want so much. I do.

But more than anything, I want to say: Thank you.

I'm doing it.

Moving forward.

Walking up to my problems and challenges and issues and dealing with them.

All of them.

It's not easy. I make mistakes. It hurts. Bad.

But. You challenged me. Got me to this place.

I don't expect you'll ever want more from me.

So. Thank you. I owe you more than I can ever repay.

If you ever... ever … ever need a thing. Anything. I'm here.

If by some chance, you want more... I will be thrilled. I can't describe what that would mean to me. You were my light in the darkest days.

And yes. I understand. You may not. Probably won't. And that's ok.  I'm ok.

And so. Thank you.

I am … there's not a number … I am sooooooo much better because you came into my life.

And I finally know what it feels like to be truly loved. And I'll never accept anything less.

So, thanks for being a distraction …

And for not letting yourself be just a distraction.

My Fault

It's my fault.

I let it happen.

I let you in.

I showed you all of me.

ALL of me.

Like I'd never done before.

You never asked, never pushed.

That's how I knew you were safe.

I opened it all.

You held me close.

It's my fault.

I made those choices.

I chose to keep everyone out.

I chose to let you in.

I chose to respond the way I did.

It's my fault.

I kept it close for so long.

Pushed it down.

And with you, it felt ok

All of it.

All of it.

All at once

A lifetime in six hours

Everything.

Every single thing.

In just six weeks.

it was all too much.

All of it.

Like a firehose

And I couldn't turn it off, couldn't stop

It felt so good to let it out

Felt so incredible

So amazing that I couldn't see

didn't notice

You weren't ready for all of that

You were so kind. Too kind.

And I felt safe.

It's my fault

It's my fault.

I'm the one who got to this point

I'm the one who pushed it down

I'm the one who couldn't stop

The release was amazing

Is still amazing

And I want to say this:

Thank you.

You may never know how much you mean to me.

What your kindness, your heart, what it means

Even now

Without that release, I'd be dead inside

Because of you, I'm alive.

I know it's my fault

That we're not together

You should know you always have a home with me

If you ever want it, no matter what, no questions asked

Derry

I'm going back to Derry. To my Derry.

I got the call.

It came yesterday.

In church, of all places.

The noise, the music, the talking, the little man in the pulpit.

All I could see was that house.

All I could think about was going back.

She pointed me there.

That night.

The last night.

I didn't really see it then.

But, it's time.

Now, it's time.

I'll go back.

Alone.

This is for me to do.

To stand there on that street.

In that house.

To walk the sidewalk.

To feel the air on my skin.

To say the words I need to say.

I'm going back.

I have no choice.

I knew this day would come.

And it is here.

The Sound

There is a sound...

A sound I make

A sound I make when I think of you

When I remember

When I remember us

You and me

Together

A text

A word

Your voice

Your touch

Your kiss

When those things come to mind

I make a sound

A sound of .. pain

Anguish

Maybe even desperation

I know

it's not appealing

I can't help it

Can't stop it

I make the sound

when you come to mind

When I see your hand in mind

When I feel your fingers on my shoulder

When I look into your eyes

When I find myself inside you

There is a sound

I can't stop it

It's the sound of a memory

The pain of a loss

If but once I could feel your touch again

I'd make that sound

And smile