The Inevitable Question

The inevitable question is: How did this happen?

Why was she the one?

Why could she touch me and no one else could?

What made her different?

I have some thoughts.

First, we got to know each other by text for a long time before we ever met.

A very long time. Unusually long, in my view. We kept trying to meet, but it never worked...until, well, it did.

By then, I had a good sense of her.

Either she really WAS this incredible person OR she was playing one hell of a game.

But the long period of communicating in writing certainly made me feel comfortable, even if I was somewhat cautious that first time... confident, but somewhat nervous.

Still, I hugged her. A full, warm embrace. I never hug anyone, even people I know. But, I initiated the hug.

Second, during the texting period, we both opened up -- it was slow, easy, low-key. But, every time I introduced a new, potentially scary reality about me, she was cool with it.

She met me knowing MOST of those things I'm always hesitant to tell anyone. Over and over again she told me I was ok, was better than ok, was amazing.

Over and over again I imagined she was in my house, or had some other way to know how my mind works.

No one's ever talked to me like that.

I've felt good... been attracted to... enjoyed the company of …

But not like that.

Third, she was just plain kind. There was no yelling, no wild excitement. Just her. She was there at our coffee date and just talked to me. Just calm, and comfortable, and we laughed.

She was there at our lunch date and it was the same...just chill, calm, comfortable.

She kissed me tenderly the first time and I kissed back gently and we both laughed and smiled and that was it.

It was, in a way, like talking to myself. To a younger, brighter version of me.

When I held her, it was like I'd always held her.

When we were finally, really alone, it was like I was always alone with her.

I felt comfortable... safe... able to say what I wanted... able to be me and know it was ok.

Later, as she told me more of her, revealed more detail about her life, she marveled at the fact I was "undeterred."

First, I've been through a lot myself.

Second, NO ONE had ever touched me like that. No one had made me feel safe.

Whatever experiences she'd had, those experiences made her the person that reached me like no one else.

After that night... there was almost nothing she could have said that would have made me go away.

I never knew I could be touched like that.

"Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is to live without intimacy..." says Bono on "Every Breaking Wave."

And I assumed that was the case for me...that intimacy, true closeness, tender, sweet lovemaking...would never, ever happen.

And then it did.

With her.

Not having something I didn't even know was possible...it hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. And I've faced a lot of pain.

NOTHING hurts like this.

Sometimes, I think I'd be better off not knowing.

But, that's not true...

I'm so, so very thankful for what she showed me.

It may never, ever happen again.

But now, I know it can. It's possible.

Even before that night, I wanted her badly...was willing to give her all of me...and, after that night, … even today... I'd give her anything... all of me. Everything.

And I'll take ALL of her.

The good, the bad, the hurt, the pain. All of it.

When you can do that... with someone who will do that for you...

That's a rare and special gift... you should appreciate it in the moment, and appreciate it for life.

I often think of "All the Light We Cannot See..."

I saw ALL her light.

I saw it in the moment.

Even then, I knew it might not last...

But I was fully present, fully engaged.

She had all of me.

And all of me is still here for her today, tomorrow, for always.