Away

For what seems like forever...for 100 years...for as long as I can remember the sweetest dream I had was a dream of going away.

I wanted to escape.

To leave home.

To leave here.

To not be... where I was.

I wanted to go away.

I sat in my car and dreamed of going away...

I cried in the men's room at a conference because I wanted to go away.

I sat on the hot black metal park bench at work because I wanted to go away.

Even when I found you, I was thinking of going away.

Of just going away.

As I came to know you, that dream changed.

I wanted to go to you.

And... and I wanted to deal with it all. To be clean and free and completely available to you.

But you took me anyway.

You held me like no one ever has.

You made me feel safe.

And it was a lot … I wasn't used to it. At all.

No one had done that.

And … and I wanted to make it all go away.

Which meant confronting a lot.

And I was … ready.

There was no conflict, no confrontation, no challenge I would not take on if on the other side, I knew you'd be there.

I understand that all of that... all of it still...it's a lot. It's too much, as you finally said. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

But. You made me feel safe. You touched me. You touched me in a way no one has.

And... there is nothing I wouldn't give up to have dealt with much of this before I met you.

Nothing.

I can't go back in time.

I can only go forward.

You challenged me to push forward. Challenged me to be the best me.

If you could see what's happened since, you'd be … proud, amazed, impressed.

You'd smile. I know you would.

I still am working through a lot of this...

But I won't stop.

My dream is that YOU are on the other side.

But... no matter what, the best ME is on the other side.

I won't stop. I can't.

You lit a fire in me that will never burn out.

I want to say thank you.

I want so much more.

I want to see your smile again.

I want you to hold me close and kiss me and tell me I'm you're favorite.

I want to be as deep inside you as I can be and to look into your eyes and kiss you.

I want you to possess me and I want to possess you and I want US to be a flame that lights the night.

And I want to say I'm sorry.

Because I know what I could be for you... I made those choices. The ones before you.

And I can't go away.

I can only take them on. Deal with the consequences. Confront, address, move on.

You made me laugh... you made me smile... and … and I cried with you. Which has never, ever happened before.

You saw weak, hungry, desperate me... you saw me.

And you told me I was ok... told me I was amazing.

I'm still taking them on .. all of them. And I will win.

None of this would have happened without you.

I would have kept going.

Calm, seemingly happy, dying inside.

You showed me the heat of the sun. The light of a star.

I won't walk away anymore. I will take steps forward every single day.

My hope is those steps lead to you.