53

I can see it. Can see 53. I walked around the corner in the house I've now been in for 10 years and I can see 53.

I can see it.

I can see the aging cats, soft and even more tired.

I can see the floors, clean but needing attention of some sort.

I can see the room, the empty room. And across the hall, another empty room. One was always empty, the other held a life that by the time I'm 53 will be entering a new, exciting phase.

At 23 I couldn't see 53. I could barely see 30.

Now, I see 53. See the days, each essentially a repeat of the last. The years, moving ever faster toward an end.

I see 53. The same home for 20 years. Paid for, by then.

I see 53. I hear the alarm clock, take the shower, brew the coffee. Just like today. And yesterday. And last year.

At 33 I couldn't see 53. I was mainly thinking about 30. Sometimes, at 33, I thought of being 23. Of all the new starts and fresh experiences. I dreamed then of going back to a college campus, far away. Of being a student again.

Those dreams are gone. Silly, I think. When you can see 53, you don't want to go back to 23. Not really. Not in the sense of no money and all the anxiety.

I see 53. I see the stairs. In the evening, I'll take them up, watch a show.

I also know that between now and 53, much will happen. Much of it will seem significant. And that's if everything goes according to plan. Of course, there could be a major disturbance of some kind. Still, I see 53. Hot coffee by morning, an early dinner on the deck.

I see 53. I know I'll not go to Seattle -- the place where I experienced an awakening at 30. Too much time has passed. At 30, I wasn't ready to act on what I knew then. Now, too many entanglements prevent a return.

I see 53.

I see what 53 might have been. See the culmination of other paths, those not taken or those I know I won't take now. I see that decision at 23 made things change. Opened some paths, closed others. I see clearly where one path would have me now. Even then, on that path, perhaps I'd be seeing 53. Wondering about THIS path, the one I foreclosed.

I remember the conversation. I remember thinking about how interesting the opportunity was. But also thinking: I know where I'm going.

Of course, I didn't.

Still, I casually and quickly decided the opportunity wasn't for me. Looking back, it's amazing how in a matter of moments, 30 years of your life can be decided. The path to 53 would have been different. But also the same. Energy, excitement, opportunity and fun -- possibly well past 30. Then, one day, I would have looked up and thought: I see 53. I see the next 10, 11, 12 years and more.

I see 53.

I see what's next.

And what's after that.

I see what might have been and I see what will be.