Take the Stairs

There was a time when life was sometimes smooth, gliding forward. Then, the escalator was down for repair. And up again. And back down.

He wondered if he'd be permanently down. Wondered if once the escalator went down, it ever worked again.

Now, he had an answer.

The escalator that sometimes worked, but most often did not, was gone. For about six months, there was nothing. A big, empty hole. A void where his dreams and hopes and future had once been. With each day the escalator had been down, he moved further and further from a bright future.

He settled in. The hole became the norm. The black spot in his heart meant he rarely cried and rarely smiled. True happiness was not the same. Not as it had been at 17 or 23. Or even for a moment at 37, just before the first crash of the escalator.

The thing is, after six months of a hole in your heart, your life is never the same. The hole never gets completely refilled. Or, maybe at some point, at 75 or 90, you reach a stage of contentment. But the possibilities that once were, that had been so clear and so possible, drifted away.

After six months, he walked into the library on his way to where he'd once had an office.

The escalator was completely gone. So was the hole. The blackness lifted.

He had settled in to a new pattern. He'd assembled two part-time jobs that gave him a full-time salary. He worked side projects. He was making more money than he ever had. Sure, some of that money was paying off the debt he'd incurred during the darkest time, but he had cash now. He could buy a coffee once a week at Starbucks. He could go on trips and order a nice shirt from his favorite store.

The thing is, he was never done. On a vacation, he worked three to five hours a day. On the weekends, he tended to the quiet, lonely work that ensured the money kept coming in. And he worried. A lot. So much that he lost five pounds, then five more.

He looked much better in the slim fit shirts he preferred. He had his suits taken in and people told him he looked strong, fierce.

Mainly he was just hungry and tired.

At night, his last thoughts before bed were about how he would make money the next day. In the morning, as the hot steam of a shower poured over his head, he thought of what that day would bring. What can he do to make five more dollars today? Could he get $100? If he got the extra money, which debt should get priority?

He'd leave from the steamy escape and go to his phone. Then his computer. News and projects and a plan.

He'd take a call. Send some emails. A long, slow slog.

Because of the nature of his work, some type of money came in at least once a week. On those days, he'd be calm. Maybe eat lunch at a restaurant, even order a cocktail. He kept bourbon at home so he could have a glass before bed. Just one drink coaxed him to sleep, kept the thoughts of the next days trials away.

Each day was like the one before. He longed for the security of one job, of one employer. Of going home at 5:30 or 6 and having time on the weekends to tend to a garden or just watch a ballgame.

Instead, the days ran into each other. Nevertheless, he kept moving forward. Coffee. Shirts. Bourbon. The tiny bright spots in what once had seemed an endlessly glittering future. And he saw that in 10 years, 20 -- it would be the same.

In place of the escalator, in place of the hopeless hole, stairs had been installed. Steady, sure, safe. Much more difficult when you started from the bottom. But taking the stairs meant moving forward, even if more effort had to be applied. There was now no illusion of a potential smooth escalator ride. No hope of a few days of relaxation. But there was the security of the stairs. Of the promise that with effort, you will move forward, upward, one day...one day, you'll move out.

Take the stairs.

Always take the stairs.