Distraction

I was looking for a distraction. A way to keep pushing the feelings down. A way to keep from walking away. A little bit of hope so things wouldn't feel so bad.

I was looking for a distraction. So I could keep from just walking away.

I found you.

I found amazing.

I was able to touch the sun.

I sat next to your star.

You held my hand.

You fell asleep on my chest.

You challenged me.

You confronted me.

You encouraged me.

You were kind to me.

You were more than I could ever imagine.

I was looking for a distraction.

And I found hope.

Light.

Love.

Love.

I found love.

I was loved. By you.

You didn't say it.

But I felt it.

You told me I was ok. All of me was ok.

For the first time, I was loved.

Truly loved.

Deeply loved.

By you.

Could I just let you go?

Could I walk away?

I couldn't.

You did.

I understand.

I want so much. I do.

But more than anything, I want to say: Thank you.

I'm doing it.

Moving forward.

Walking up to my problems and challenges and issues and dealing with them.

All of them.

It's not easy. I make mistakes. It hurts. Bad.

But. You challenged me. Got me to this place.

I don't expect you'll ever want more from me.

So. Thank you. I owe you more than I can ever repay.

If you ever... ever … ever need a thing. Anything. I'm here.

If by some chance, you want more... I will be thrilled. I can't describe what that would mean to me. You were my light in the darkest days.

And yes. I understand. You may not. Probably won't. And that's ok.  I'm ok.

And so. Thank you.

I am … there's not a number … I am sooooooo much better because you came into my life.

And I finally know what it feels like to be truly loved. And I'll never accept anything less.

So, thanks for being a distraction …

And for not letting yourself be just a distraction.

My Fault

It's my fault.

I let it happen.

I let you in.

I showed you all of me.

ALL of me.

Like I'd never done before.

You never asked, never pushed.

That's how I knew you were safe.

I opened it all.

You held me close.

It's my fault.

I made those choices.

I chose to keep everyone out.

I chose to let you in.

I chose to respond the way I did.

It's my fault.

I kept it close for so long.

Pushed it down.

And with you, it felt ok

All of it.

All of it.

All at once

A lifetime in six hours

Everything.

Every single thing.

In just six weeks.

it was all too much.

All of it.

Like a firehose

And I couldn't turn it off, couldn't stop

It felt so good to let it out

Felt so incredible

So amazing that I couldn't see

didn't notice

You weren't ready for all of that

You were so kind. Too kind.

And I felt safe.

It's my fault

It's my fault.

I'm the one who got to this point

I'm the one who pushed it down

I'm the one who couldn't stop

The release was amazing

Is still amazing

And I want to say this:

Thank you.

You may never know how much you mean to me.

What your kindness, your heart, what it means

Even now

Without that release, I'd be dead inside

Because of you, I'm alive.

I know it's my fault

That we're not together

You should know you always have a home with me

If you ever want it, no matter what, no questions asked

Derry

I'm going back to Derry. To my Derry.

I got the call.

It came yesterday.

In church, of all places.

The noise, the music, the talking, the little man in the pulpit.

All I could see was that house.

All I could think about was going back.

She pointed me there.

That night.

The last night.

I didn't really see it then.

But, it's time.

Now, it's time.

I'll go back.

Alone.

This is for me to do.

To stand there on that street.

In that house.

To walk the sidewalk.

To feel the air on my skin.

To say the words I need to say.

I'm going back.

I have no choice.

I knew this day would come.

And it is here.

The Sound

There is a sound...

A sound I make

A sound I make when I think of you

When I remember

When I remember us

You and me

Together

A text

A word

Your voice

Your touch

Your kiss

When those things come to mind

I make a sound

A sound of .. pain

Anguish

Maybe even desperation

I know

it's not appealing

I can't help it

Can't stop it

I make the sound

when you come to mind

When I see your hand in mind

When I feel your fingers on my shoulder

When I look into your eyes

When I find myself inside you

There is a sound

I can't stop it

It's the sound of a memory

The pain of a loss

If but once I could feel your touch again

I'd make that sound

And smile

Don't Touch Me

I don't like... can't be touched.

Don't touch me.

Not since then.

Not now.

I can't.

I can't handle it.

I jump when someone touches me, even someone I know.

I can't do it.

Can't let it happen.

Not since the pain.

the biting, the hitting, the screaming.

Yes, it stopped, the hitting, when I was 9.

But. I can't be touched.

Sure, I've had lovers, given and received hugs, but it's awkward and strange and unless i'm just fucking, it's uncomfortable, painful.

When will your touch hurt me?

Better to not find out.

Until.

Until one night

Until that night...

In that room... that dark room. I couldn't even see you, you couldn't see me

All we had … was … touch

And you touched me like you were hungry

like you'd never touched a man before

Like you couldn't get enough

Your lips like fire on mine

You touched me... held me... so close...

And.

And.

I didn't jump

I touched you back

I held you

Not enough.

There's not enough

Of you...of us...of this

I was 43 years old the first time

The first time someone touched me like that

And now I know

And it's ALL I want

When you go 43 years without

And then discover

YOU were the only one

The only one to touch me

like that

I smile now, through the sadness

Thinking of that night, that touch, after

All of it

All of you

You can have anything you want

anything

All I ever want... is one more touch from you

To feel your fingers against my shoulders

To feel your lips on my skin

To pull you close to me like it's my last night alive

Anything you want

Anything at all

I'll give it all to you

For just one more moment of your touch

touch me

one. more. time.

To Live Forever

I should have died on a Friday in November

A moment of peak joy

I should have died with you

Your arm in mine, your hand in mine

Our skeletal bodies locked together for all time

There would be no mistake

I was there, with you

With no one else but you

200 people died that day

Two were truly, madly, deeply in love

Two had shared a week of intimacy

Two had begun as intellectual friends

And ended at the height of happiness

They’ll find us

Charred and burned and ruined

Your leg around mine… our bones closer than even we had been

Smiles in the ashes

Black and in pieces, but together

Now. forever

We died to live forever together on the last day of November

I watch the planes

I watch the planes

Are they coming back?

The married man

The young woman

The fantasy week

Reality will set in

In one week

Two

He’s home with his child, his wife

She’s home alone.

Her dog and his words on her phone

He’s told to go back

She wants him every day

He wants the fantasy

She wants his reality

I see the planes

Landing in 5. 4. 3. 2...

She saw them

His wife

From the window

She saw the plane

With the young woman’s arm in his

The seats warm with desire

I watch the planes

And know they sit

Blissful

In the glow of their ecstasy

I watch

And I know

More Light than You Care to See

Labor Day weekend. A new light. Still, low expectations. 

Text messages nearly every day, mainly in the afternoon and evening. She was brilliant. 22. He couldn't see her full light at first. 

A week went by. Two. He smiled. Every single day. She invited him for drinks. But it didn't happen. 

He wondered if she was inside his mind, sitting next to him. A part of him that had been asleep for years was awakened. 

She told him he was positive, encouraging. He'd dreamed of taking his life just 8 weeks before. His only smiles came from her. The episodes still plagued him. But a brightness marked his days. 

One day, they met. He'd called her the day before. He'd wanted to see her. Couldn't contain himself. Near-euphoria had come over him as she described her work, her art. 

Over coffee, he fell for her. He knew. 

Two weeks later, a magic trip. A reality he didn't know was possible. A realization of the light he could hold each day. Of the brightness they could create together. 

He didn't deserve this, he thought. Happiness… True happiness. That was for other people. A few. But not him.  

He shifted. He did deserve this. He wasn't afraid to win. A bumpy road ahead? Maybe. Likely. But complete happiness. 

He told her all of him. The ugly parts. 

And she shared hers. 

Tears. He cried for the first time in years. 

The intimacy they shared .. They shared intimacy. That wasn't for him, either. But he found it. They found it. 

He knew inside it wouldn't last. Her star was too bright. His time with her would be short, he saw. 

But he tried something new. He showed her all. The dark and the light. 

And it stopped. 

The months of light turned to a day, two days, three weeks of darkness. The memory of her light burned inside him. He would not forget. 

More light than she cared to see. 

More love than he'd ever felt. 

That brightness, her star… Drove him forward. 

The light they had shared… Would sustain him

I didn't jump

I didn’t jump when she touched me.

That’s how I knew.

It was as if she’d always touched me, as if I’d always touched her

As if we’d been together forever… as If we were part of each other

When she kissed me, it was like I’d always kissed her, like I’d kissed no one else

She fell asleep in my arms and my heart caught on fire

She knew exactly when, exactly how

Exactly what I needed and I didn’t ever ask