Asleep

I was asleep when you called. When you called after sending those two texts. I missed the texts, too.

I was asleep.

My phone on my desk, in the other room.

For so long, I'd get up each morning and hope I'd see a text from you.

Finally, I'd given up. Realizing I'd probably never hear from you again. We MIGHT run into each other, but you certainly weren't going to reach out … and, I didn't know how to.

So, I woke up and saw a missed call from you. And two texts.

All just after midnight.

A mistake, I figured.

You'd been drinking and did something crazy and you were hoping I wouldn't notice or respond.

Nine months.

Nine months since you last messaged me. Nine months since I'd stood in your kitchen.

The last message you sent me made it clear … and I respected that. You weren't mean about it, just clear and direct.

And I love you... and so … I respected your wishes, let you move on.

Two texts and one call and … well, I didn't say anything or respond because, well, because of how it ended before and because if it was a mistake I didn't want to compound it.

And then... another text from you.

And I responded. And you responded.

And for an hour, we talked. Just like we had before.

It was so nice to hear from you … to hear about you … to know what you've been doing and what you will be doing.

After our time texting, I took a shower and went to bed.

I slept harder than I've slept in months.

Yesterday, another brief text exchange.

And last night, I was asleep before 11 and fell into a deep, relaxing, incredible rest.

YES... I want all of you, still.

But... I am thrilled to hear from you … I'm delighted to be in your life, your world in this small way.

If that's all you ever want, I'll be ok.

I'll be more than ok.

You calm me in a way no one ever has.

I was asleep when you texted me... and then called me.

And after we finally talked, I went to sleep.

I don't know how to describe the tremendous release hearing from you gave me.

This sounds... well, it is ..

But, why not? Everything else was … well, strange.

You made me feel... in all the ways.

And, hearing from you... you calmed my soul.

And I was asleep.

St. Emma

Have you been saved?

It's a common refrain in the South, especially among those who attend evangelical churches... so many times, people ask: have you been saved?

As someone who grew up in a Southern Baptist Church, I know what this means... and I understand the urgency of the question. Of course, if you haven't been saved, you're going to hell. Because you are lost. And you can only get saved if you acknowledge you are lost and need God. Then, you pray. Then, God decides to save you when you've prayed enough or reached the end of yourself or whatever.

But, you get saved. Or, you say you got saved. Then, you get baptized.

That's it. Then, you're good to go. No matter what. After you've been saved, it can't be taken away. Not by anyone. Not by anything you do. You're saved. So, you're in... you're going to heaven... and all the fuckers who won't yet admit they are lost are just shit out of luck and they'll be in hell, eventually.

Unless, of course, they get saved.

So, I have this childhood salvation story. About crying during spiritual songs at camp and crying in my room and crying and praying until I "felt right."

But here's the real story: I HAVE been saved.

I was saved by Emma.

Yes. That's her name. Emma.

Funny enough, we had this whole joke about her being "St. Emma" because she'd been ordained online and was all set to marry her mom to this dude ..

She'd wear a black bishop's robe and these delightful Louboutin heels... and she'd be fabulous (and tall as fuck, b/c she's 5'10" anyway)…

The summer before I met Emma, I almost died. I almost killed myself, to be precise. It was this vision...but it was so very close to being real. The gun in my sock drawer.

I'd felt so numb for so long. I'd felt nothing. Then, this ever-present darkness.

It was... well, better after that day. The day of the crying and the thoughts of the gun. But, the darkness was still there.

I hadn't laughed or cried or felt … well, anything for so long.

And then.

Emma.

The very first message she sent made me laugh out loud. Not like (lol) but like … I LAUGHED. I didn't just smile that quiet, knowing smile or slightly move my lips or let my eyes be the only thing that showed. I fucking laughed.

A good start, to be sure.

And then, she kept on. She made me laugh again and again and again.

And she made me think.

She challenged me.

She pushed me.

I hadn't felt like this in … forever.

I hadn't felt... in such a long time.

And we talked and we laughed and we talked...and we finally met... and she embraced me and I embraced her and she was warm and smelled like heaven and she was all the things I'd seen in her messages.

And she let me take her home... well, give her a ride home. And I laughed in the car with her and she laughed and … WE laughed and she got distracted and lost her keys in my car... and came back and smiled... and OMG.

And then there was the trip .. she went with me on a trip. Yeah, I had work and she, well, she didn't. So, she rested and relaxed and visited a family member who lived where we were going.

And... and... and... I experienced something I NEVER had before. A truly intimate encounter with another human.

I let go...and she let go...and I wanted her and she wanted me...

And... we each gave all …

And... it was all the things I'd dreamed of and written about and thought of... forever.

With her.

And I couldn't believe … couldn't believe this was happening. That SHE was choosing me.

Again and again and again she chose me.

And... in the back of a Lyft on the way to the airport I cried... in front of her, I cried. And she cried...and we cried. Together … and I've never done that before.

And... we got back and our lives faced reality...

And... we kept on and on...

And then... well, it was just too much, all of it, she said.

But...I'd already been saved by then.

St. Emma saved me.

Yes, she moved on... more souls need her touch.

Not being in the realm of her light hurts...it does.

But, I'm a better man because I knew her...because she held me.

I WAS saved.

I've cried, I've laughed, I've screamed.... I've felt an entire range of emotions.

My heart … closed for oh so many years … it opened.

I feel EVERYTHING... which, well, it's a lot.

But it's fucking wonderful.

St. Emma SAVED me.

And I'll never be the same... when they say, "once saved, always saved." they aren't fucking kidding.

I may never, ever, ever be with St. Emma again... but I'm saved... I'm strong, powerful, amazing...and I'm ready to be the man I need to be, can be, should be...

I'm ready for the one who can take all of me... and I will take all of her.

Do I wish that was Emma? Hell yes.

Will I be ready and willing and able for the woman is ready and willing and able to take all of me? YES!

I'm saved.

And forever grateful to St. Emma.

I promise

I promise, her dad said when she was 9 and they took him away the first time... I promise I'll be back, I promise this won't happen again.

I promise, he told her when he was taken away again and he couldn't be there for the Daddy/Daughter dance.

I promise, he said when she went off to college and he was working and things looked good... I promise it will be ok this time.

I promise, he said, when he declared bankruptcy, again... and she had to leave school and go home and transfer and get a job and live with her mom.

I promise, he said, I'll make it right as he stopped taking his medicine and found a way back into jail.

I promise, her first boyfriend...her first true love -- had said … I promise you're the only one for me. I promise, he told her, as he went to the hospital to watch his child being born...the child his other girlfriend was having.

I promise, he said... I can be committed to you now, well, you and the baby from another woman...

I promise, the new guy said, everything is fine...

I promise, he told her, she's from work....

I promise, he said... I'll NEVER cheat again

I promise, the next guy... the kinda weird one... I promise this is all ok...

I promise, he'd told her... and then the FBI showed up and asked questions and he was gone.

I promise, said the new roommate/potential boyfriend said. I promise I'll take care of things... I'll do my part.

I promise, he'd said, after he hit her the first time, I promise I won't lose my temper again.

I promise, he said, after the beating so bad she called 911. I promise I'll get it right.


I promise, I said, as I stood in her kitchen.

I promise, I'll deal with this.

No, there was no secret baby. There was nothing on my phone she couldn't see.

Yes, I'd been open... more open than I'd ever been.

Yes, I'd let her touch me... and I'd touched her.

I'd never yelled at her, never hit her, never even been angry... and she knew I never would be, not like that.

There was no "missing money" or secret life or big surprise coming ahead.

But. Well, there was (is) this one thing.

And... I needed to deal with it.

I promise, I said... as I stood in her kitchen. Stood looking at the only woman who'd ever made me feel whole.

I promise, I'll do this.

She said... I need time. Need to think. I'm processing.

Then, she stepped away.

I was one more man standing in front of her making a promise.

She walked away... and I've kept that promise.

I'm one million times better than I was that night I left her apartment.

I'm stronger, I'm healthier, I'm cleaner...

I promised.

And she basically said: Shut up and show me.

Here I am, I'll say. Here I am, when I see her next.

I'm that man. The one you saw... the amazing man who can do anything. That's what you said.

I promised. I delivered. And I'll do it over and over and over again for you.

I won't give you words, I'll SHOW you with all of my being.

Yes...yes, I'm going to mess up, make a mistake.

But... I'm going to give you ALL of me every day without you having to ask.

I promise.

Jenny and Ariel

I know … I know … I know.

It's a lot.

So, first … I didn't choose those parents. I didn't ask for that.

Second, YES … I'm now a 44-year-old adult and I make choices. Not acting is a choice. I was 43 when we met. I'd spent a lifetime making choices or choosing to ignore.

I DID THAT. I CHOSE TO IGNORE IT.

For a long, long, long time that seemed the best path.

Frankly, there was no one I met who I felt was worth the effort of dealing with it.

Interestingly (ironically?) I'd just started seeing a therapist when we met. So, I was finally ready to do something.

I didn't ask to be hit every single day. I didn't ask for her to hold me in her arms and tell me she loved me after I was crying so hard and in physical pain. I didn't ask for her to scream at me and ask me why I was crying after she'd hit me until I couldn't move. I didn't ask for all the screaming. I didn't ask to be told over and over and over again: "something's wrong with you."

I didn't ask for the ER visit where the doctor asked my parents to leave the room … and then asked me what happened. I didn't ask to wear long pants to school on 90 degree days so no one could see the bruises.

And I sure as hell didn't ask for that night when I was 13 and I found out what he'd been doing.

I didn't ask for the lesson of shutting the fuck up and pushing my feelings down.

I didn't ask to learn that not feeling anything and not showing emotion was the best way to get out without a scratch... literally. I didn't ask to find out that the person who seemed like he was helping was stealing … from me.

And... I know what I experienced isn't even the worst.. I've seen and met and taught and dealt with kids who faced far greater … challenges.

Jenny's mom told her that I couldn't come over and study Spanish b/c of my family... b/c it was a mess...b/c it was not a good idea to get involved with that.

I was 14.

Ariel screamed at me on the phone one night and said all the "stuff" with my mom and dad, it was just too much.

And so... fuck it, I just wouldn't show all of it. I wouldn't cry in front of anyone...

Sure, I met Monica.

And I wanted Monica and she wanted me.

But... well, I'd learned my damn lesson.

And I didn't want to hurt her.

So. We were friends...until … well, she died... after I'd know her for 8 years.

And so... yeah, I learned this: That feeling … THAT  feeling... well, fuck it. It's pointless. It's NOT for me.

So, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that fucked up shit happened.

And I'm sorry I waited to really deal with it.

And I'm sorry I didn't stop you...

And … I'm beyond sorry if I hurt you in any way.

I can take a lot.

I can.

And … well, NOTHING hurts like not having you.

I'd take 100 more nights of her hitting me for one more night with you...

This. … This IS pain.

And … you … you are the only person who made me care enough to even deal with it.

Yeah, I was seeing a therapist as we met... but … well, after YOU, all I wanted was to have been that "amazing" man from the very first day you saw me.

And...well, I know I'll fuck up somehow.

I try... and with you, I'd try with 100% every single day...

But.

All of me … is here. For all of you.

I Stood in Your Kitchen

I stood in your kitchen...

You were on the counter.

Sitting, your blonde hair flowing over your shoulders.

I told you.

I told you everything.

I'd already told you a lot.

But that night, I told it all.

I knew what might happen.

Frankly, I would probably have done the same if someone said those words to me.

But -- here's the deal. I loved you. I LOVE you still. And so, I told you all.

For us to go further, you needed to know. You'd probably find out anyway. At some point.

I've gone over that night again and again and again. And again.

And I could have pretended. I could have said different words. I could have made another move and we could have ended up in bed.

But I wasn't after your body or your sex or just being touched... I wanted (still want, btw) ALL of you.

And if I was going to ask for all of you, I was going to show you all of me.

And so I did.

I stood in your kitchen and I told you. I gave you the whole picture. ALL of me.

And you touched me (I don't let anyone touch me) … and you said you needed to process.

Yes, some things happened to me that I couldn't control.

And, then, my response.

I made those choices.

I made them... no one else chose to keep hiding and keeping secrets and locking away my heart. I made those choices. I did it.

And guess what?

The man who made those choices... that's the one you met. The one who thought you'd be another pleasant distraction on the way toward wherever.

I'm the man you said was "amazing."

I'm the one you said was the first to understand you.

I'm the one you hugged the first time we met.

I'm the one shared true intimacy with...

Yes, THAT guy.

The same one … the one who experienced those things. The one who made THOSE decisions.

In fact, I'd say it was those experiences, those decisions...that allowed me to love you.

I stood in your kitchen and I gave you ALL of me. ALL.

I didn't know how it would work out... I didn't know what path we would follow... none of it made sense.

But, I love you.

So. I told you. In your kitchen.

How many men will stand in your kitchen and admit to everything... will tell you everything... will put ALL of themselves out there?

NONE.

Well, there ARE a few, maybe.

Most men in my position that night would have been thinking about other things. Or playing games... or hiding the reality for as long as they could.

But I'd already showed you a lot of me. And you deserved to know it all.

If you can find a man who will give you more … and, truly, I hope you do... I want nothing more than to know you are happy.

But. You won't. It's not likely.

I told you 100% … I told you all -- I WILL still give you all of me.

I'm not perfect. And I own my flaws... at least for you. I've never really wanted to tell anyone else.

But, I LOVE you. And so I respect you enough to say it all.

And, here's the thing... You're not perfect, either.

And I'll take it. ALL of you.

You want to come home and cry in my arms and not tell me why? OK!

You want me to order us food and tell you funny stories so you don't have to think about it? OK!

You want me to go upstairs and read while you "think?" YES!

You want to drive with me all night and turn the music up and just scream? OK!

Here's the deal...

I know about the others... the ones who came before.

And I know what you'll probably find.

The next guy and the one after that. The ones who will stand in your kitchen and lie to you so they can have one more night in your arms. The ones who hope you never find out. The ones with secrets and lies and "other" lovers.

The ones who are angry, and take it out on you.

You might...maybe … in 100 years find a man who will give you more than I will.

And again, truly, I hope you do... I hope you find him and you're happy and you're smiling and you're safe.

But know this: I stood in your kitchen and offered you a rare gift.

You don't have to want it. I know that's not how it works.

I know it would have been a lot to go through these last months with me...and even then, there'd be more. Believe me, I know.

And yes, selfishly, I want you to want it.

But, I want it for you  -- I want you to have someone who is sold out for you … who is willing to stand in your kitchen and put YOU first and tell the truth and not hide and not play games and not keep secrets...

The one who will stand open for you today and every single day.

I stood in your kitchen and offered you all of me …

That offer is still on the table …

One year later ...

I wish the first text you had sent me had been on Labor Day 2019.

I wish the first time you'd invited me to your apartment, it was September 19, 2019.

I wish our first coffee was in the late fall of 2019.

I wish we'd planned our trip for late November of 2019.

I wish I hadn't yet held your hand at a ballet.



You see, I'm a better man now.

I'm fully ready.

In a way I wasn't just one year ago.


I won't say I've conquered everything. I'm still working, will always be working.

But instead of running away, I'm taking on. Confronting.


Here's the thing: My motivation to take these things on is YOU.

Sure, you moved on … and, wisely so.

But. Had I not seen you, known you, been with you, I would have never thought YOU were possible. Not for me.

You loved me .. you really, truly loved me. You loved me enough to let me go because you knew that's what I needed.

None of what happened between us made any sense.

Not those first texts, not the coffee, not the trip, not your apartment, … none of it.

Both of us had to suspend rational thought to keep moving forward.

But we both wanted each other.

And neither of us wanted it to stop.

And, in our minds, we both knew it couldn't be more.

Not then.

Now, though, it can.

And I don't even know how to start.

What do I say?

Do I just call?

There's a history now. There's a "last night." A "last text." And there's … all this time.

Maybe someone is making you smile -- I do hope so.

Maybe there's someone who is ready for the best me. The one you saw.

If so, she'll owe you.

And … if you were just a way to prepare me for something even more amazing, thank you.

And … if you were just a moment of brightness in a typical existence, thank you.

And … thank you for texting me one year ago. For inviting me one year ago. For our trip, for our time, for our love.

Love begins with respect. You respected me enough to let me go when you knew that's what I needed.

You respected me enough to learn me... and not to walk away when you started hearing the reality.

You respected me enough to hold me and not ask questions.

Still … I dream of a world where we meet today … for the first time, and you know the best me … and that's the one you fall in love with and that's the one who takes you out and that's the one forever.

I love you. And, I may never love like this again.

So, thank you … for moving my life forward.

In the Car

I got in my car today. To go to the store. And this song came on.

Here:

Like the memory from your mother's house
From before you got too old
Like the feeling from a photograph
Before it's meanings all got told
The words I say can be silver
But what's left unsaid can be gold
So get to know me once I go away
Maybe 'cause I come from such an empty-hearted town
Or maybe 'cause some love of mine had really let me down
But the only time I am lonely is when others are around
I just never end up knowing what to say
If I wanted someone to clean me up
I'd find myself a maid
If I wanted someone to spend my money
I wouldn't need to get paid
If I wanted someone to understand me
I'd have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy
I took everything I thought from what it means to be a man
We need words to be put to what we do not understand
While you lean into the echoes and you do not raise a hand
Oh woman, help me see it like it is
If I wanted someone to clean me up
I'd find myself a maid
If I wanted someone to spend my money
I wouldn't need to get paid
If I wanted someone to understand me
I'd have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy
If I wanted someone to clean me up
I'd find myself a maid
If I wanted someone to spend my money
I wouldn't need to get paid
If I wanted someone to cut me down
I'd have handed you the blade
I want you to make the days move easy
I just want you to make the days move easy 

This is ALL I wanted. ALL I want.

Some days, you'd text two or three times. And that'd be it.

And... it made the days move easy.

I knew... I knew everyday there'd be words from you.

All the rest.. all of it... it was more than I could ever have imagined.

I never thought anyone... certainly not you...

I never thought that was for me.

I just needed you to make the days move easy.

I don't know if you ever really understood …

Just sitting across the table from you … just looking into your eyes...

It took everything away.

That... that you wanted more... surprised and thrilled me.

I wanted more every single time I saw you...

 But I didn't want to ruin … what we had.

I wanted the days to move easy.

I could sit in your apartment and work all day knowing you were there... and the days would move easy

I don't … didn't... still don't … expect you to understand it all. Or make it go away.

I just... I want you to make the days move easy.

I know... I know because you told me... I made your days move easy.

I don't need any more than that.

I don't need to be deep in your mind... I don't need you to be 13 again.

I need to just be there.

To be the one who is "so positive and encouraging."

I won't ask questions. You can tell me what you want.

In your presence, every single minute is pure joy.

I once told you that all I wanted was to be with you... all the time.

You said, "You'll change your mind."

But... well, I won't. I haven't.

Because I don't need all the extras.

If I glanced over and you were there... If I saw your face... If I caught your smile. If I saw you bending down to pull out a drink from the refrigerator. If you touched me as you passed me by.

The warmth of your skin.

I don't even think you know it.

Or, you won't admit it.

Your power.

Everything is ok when I'm with you … when I was with you.

And... well, for so long, nothing was ok.

And it certainly wasn't ok to not be ok.

But.

All I needed... was someone to make the days move easy.

And... for the first time, they did. For the only time in my life, they did.

You were quiet, private, careful. And you made me laugh, smile, relax.

I let it down... let you know.

You made the days move easy.

Until.

Until I said the words that made you think I wanted more.

Yes: I want ALL of you. When you're ready.

But... what I want most... from now until forever … is YOU -- to make the days move easy.

No one's ever done that for me. It seems like no one else ever will.

Thank you, Dawes, for writing these words...

I Sold the Gun in May

I sold the gun in May.

It was a gift. From a relative. Someone who said "every man needs a gun."

A Smith & Wesson .38.

I don't know much about guns, but I knew how to use that one.

It sat in my sock drawer.

Unloaded.

Bullets outside in the garage.

There was that day.

That day in June over a year ago.

All I could see was loading the gun and pointing it to my head and everything over in a second.

All of it.

I didn't do it.

I'm still here.

Almost exactly two months from that day, I met you.

And … the dark friend was still there.

But, I didn't even think about the gun.

Until.

Until you were gone.

On our second date, you asked me how...how would I commit suicide?

Funny you should ask, I thought. I'd just been thinking about it. Every fucking day.

But when I was next to you, I couldn't see or hear or think about anything else.

And that was just the second date.

The longest consecutive time I've been happy in my entire life came in that short time I was with you.

Everything else was a moment, nothing longer than a single day.

Then you.

I thought. A year ago or so … that the worst thing in the world was feeling nothing at all.

Was being so numb that nothing felt like anything. I wasn't angry or sad or tired or happy or anything.

I begged to feel, to cry, to hurt, to … anything.

Now. Now I know pain.

NOTHING has hurt like this.

It's … well, it's my fault. I'm an adult. I could have gotten help earlier. Or chosen to respond in a different way.

There were times... in 2012 and again in 2016 -- where I felt like I should do "something."

But, I reasoned, why? There was nothing else... no one else. This was as good as it was going to be … so. Why?

Then … you.

And … and I would give up every single second I ever felt happy for one more minute in your presence.

As much as I desperately want you in my life in every single way... here's what I want: I want to know you are OK. I want a text every now and then. I want to see you in my messages.

I dream... I dream of touching you or looking into your eyes one more time.

But. I'm used to not having it all. I'm used to just a little bit.

And... well, I REALLY loved you. I really LOVE you.

I know I've never truly loved before because nothing has ever hurt like this.

Being numb. Being dead to the world. It hurts.  It hurts …

But … this.  This world without you.

NOTHING has hurt like this.

So, I sold the gun in May.

That's the easiest way.

And I'm scared of heights, so a bridge or building is out.

So, I'm here.

Alive.

Sad.

And I'll be here.

Because I sold the gun in May.

One Year Ago

One year ago. One year ago tomorrow -- 9/19.

One year ago.

You invited me to your place.

Asked me for drinks.

Sent me a picture.

I wanted to so so badly.

To see you. To finally hear your voice. To meet your dog.

But I said no.

I said "it's probably not a good idea."

Because I knew.

I knew … even then.. even a few weeks in to knowing you .. I knew how I felt. I knew how you'd respond … because I'd seen others fall for it. The kindness, the mystery, the warmth.

And I liked you.

So I didn't want you to get into all of it... all of me.

I knew: "Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is to live without intimacy."

I knew I couldn't. And you deserved someone who could.

I could have. I could have come over. I could have held you. I could have been inside you.

But I knew what would happen.

So I didn't.

And... I thought that'd make you stop.

But you didn't.

You kept on...and on and on.

Persistent like I am.

And I didn't stop you.

Because in a day full of shit, one text from you could make me smile.

So I didn't. I kept on.

I knew it didn't make sense, but we were only texting.

Until we weren't. Until we met. Until coffee. Until the trip.

Until you had me over. Until that night. Until you stopped.

Like I knew you would.

Because of me.

I'm crying. So hard. Right now.

Every day.

I should have stopped a year ago. When you invited me.

And... and if you are hurting at all.... if what we had (and lost) causes you one ounce of pain... I'm sorry.

You were the first...the only... the one who told me it was ok to not be ok.

I'm sorry I wasn't ready... for me, yes. For you, of course... because I know who and what is out there. And it sucks. Bad.

And I … I would give you all. And ask nothing but your presence in my life in return.

I should have gone, I guess... and fucked you and been like everyone else.

But that's not right. At all.

So.

I'm glad. I'm glad you invited me.

I'm glad I said no.

I'm glad you kept on.

I'm glad we met.

I have NEVER in my life felt so much joy.

Sure, when I die...at 67 or 83 or 98 … it will seem like only one minute.

But I am more thankful for that one minute with you than you can ever know.

I just called

I'm not going to even get into how you ended up texting me one night just as I was finishing a walk.

The whole thing is so bizarre, so... well, unbelievable.

I wondered over and over again how you knew...

You'd say things...and I'd think: "Is she inside my house?"

How did you get into my head.

And then I realized...our minds are the same... they work the same way.

That … that NEVER happens. Hasn't happened.

And... well, we texted. And I smiled. And my darkness left and a bright light came into me and I still hadn't met you.

Until that night.

When you sent me … you know what you sent me.

And... and... I knew.

The person with that mind. The person who did THAT... I had to meet her. Had to meet you.

I knew it didn't make sense. None of it did. Meeting you seemed...well, unlikely. And then, what?

Still.

We texted back and forth. Half-arranged meetings...

"tomorrow after my event?" "sure"

Didn't happen.

"Can I bring you a coffee?" "Yes!"

No

On and on.

And then... we finally set a firm time. A firm date. A real place. A DATE. I had a DATE with you.

Nothing had really made sense since that first night of your text...so, well, ok. We had a DATE.

I didn't even sleep the night before. I just imagined sitting across from you. Your eyes on mine.

Hearing your voice...I'd never even heard your voice.

I got out of bed early. And you'd already texted me. I knew... I was going to meet HER...meet YOU.

Back and forth, laughing, smiling...

I'm on the way.

And.... you can't. Well, you could, but … well, could we later?

And I'm all: Ok, sure...it's fine.

And rearrange my day.

And later comes...and no word from you.

And later... and then I text and then you say nothing...and then finally

Sorry...you can't.

You can't

Which to me means you won't...aren't going to.

You know enough.

Of course you won't

I wouldn't.

I'd want to, but I wouldn't...not if I had been you

And then you're sorry... and I'm ...well, angry.

But I tell you it's ok

I don't want to lose you completely.

Those words on an illuminated screen have kept me going... I can't lose that.

And we text and it's just like it was. Like the entire day I had planned for and rearranged for and had cancelled...not once, but twice...like it never even happened.

And … I thought, maybe, maybe, maybe...if I call she'll say yes and actually do it. You'll say yes..

Plus, I'll hear her voice.

I hate the phone.

I've called one other woman EVER in my life for a date. Just once.

But, I call. I take a shot of bourbon, and I call. And you don't answer and there's no voicemail.

This is days later, by the way. When I can't stand it anymore.

If there's 1/10 of 1% of a chance you'll say yes, then...ok, ok, I'll call. Even then, maybe you won't show up...but, if the words come out of your mouth, I'm betting you will.

So, I called. And you didn't answer. But you called back. 10 minutes, 20, 45, and I ask. And you say yes. Tomorrow. The next day. I'll see you tomorrow...

And tomorrow comes and you text me and I text you and we confirm all details and I drive and you arrive and YOU arrive and we hug like we've been friends for 100 years.

And you arrive.

And you arrive.

And it's like in the movies and there's the light and I can't believe it and I smile and I smile and my heart jumps

And I held you... and we hugged and …

We talk and we talk and we talk and we talk

And I take you home and we laugh and I haven't laughed in so long haven't really, truly laughed.

and, well, the rest... the rest...

From that day on... the longest period of complete happiness in my life. EVER

Yes, it ended. I said the words...you made it stop.

But. I just called.

Took that tiny chance.

And you said YES … even though by then you knew enough... even though I knew it probably couldn't be... if I could just SEE you ...just once.

And it was more than once and it was heaven and I will never forget … and I hope you smile when you think of it... I hope you smile inside when you think of our brief time...our one minute together.

I just called.

99

So, there's this.

If … if a friend of mine came to me and described the situation … from HER perspective...

Here's what I would say:

I would say -- yes, he IS amazing. I'm sure. Yes, he CAN be more amazing.

But.  99 times out of 100 this is NOT going to turn out well. It's just not.

You two are great now. You MIGHT be great in some distant future.

And the path there... well, if you're up for a lot of pain and hurt and disruption and things that are unsettling, ok. But even then, the likely outcome is not great.

So. I'd let go now. Before you get too deep. Before it ends up hurting both of you too badly.

Yes, it will hurt. And yes, he will hurt.

But... one very real possibility is that being in your world, in your orbit, distracts him. Keeps him from doing what needs to be done. And then you're a year or two years in and he hasn't dealt with it and now you are or it's not happening or it's all going bad.

If you let him go, he'll want to feel like he did with you.

He'll have a reason to do this.

And so, in a year or two years when you see him again... maybe he'll look at you and be this amazing man you can see inside.

And maybe then you'll still have these feelings for him.

Sure, there's a tiny chance...maybe better than 1%, that he'll do all of this WHILE you two  are together.

But, probably not.

So, the only question is... a little bit of pain now or a world of hurt later?

Let him go. You love him. He needs you to let him go so he can finish.

I write this to say: I understand. I do.

It hurts more than anything ever has... and I've had a lot happen and I've done a lot of stupid things.

But, she was right. For her. And, well, for me.

It only makes me love her more.

The only (and best) thank you I can give to her is to be that man...the one she saw.

And I will.

I wish we hadn't met ...

I read this yesterday and it struck me... it hit me hard:

I wish we had never met. But only so I could have the opportunity to meet you again, being better now than I was before. To have an opportunity with no preconceptions to again gain your affection, and this time, keep it. That would be a prayer answered.

I think often of how we met. How it didn't make any sense.

And I think I'd give anything to have made different choices... to have dealt with issues BEFORE that day we met.

But I also know that the series of choices I made put me in that place. That different choices would have opened different doors and closed others. That the sum of my experiences (and yours) put us in a place where we could meet.

Still, I long to have been more ready … completely ready … for what I found in you.

One time before, 20 years ago, I felt *that feeling* and I let her go. That feeling that makes my heart race, that lights my soul. It didn't make any sense at all then. And I knew, I knew where I was and what she would probably say when she knew it all. And, well, I just wasn't willing, wasn't ready. I wanted that feeling, but it didn't make sense.

Exactly 20 years later, I met you.

And it didn't make sense. At all.

And I knew all the things I knew then.

I have met people all over the country, from around the world. I've been excited, aroused, amazed, and impressed by them. Attracted to, become lovers with...

But only one other time has someone made me feel like that.

I can't really describe it.

The best I can do is this: With you, I felt both fully comfortable and on the verge of losing control.

This time, I wasn't going to let go.

It didn't make sense, but I didn't care...

I wasn't going to make that mistake again. There you were, willing, ready, encouraging. And I couldn't figure out a path forward - there we were, happy, fun, smiling -- and I could see a future -- just no clear path to get there.

But I wasn't going to deny my heart. Not again. So, I gave it all to you.

You were right, by the way. I am amazing. I don't know how you saw that given where I was at the time. But you did. And you told me over and over and over again.

I've become better, stronger... I've confronted and taken on and challenged... And I won't stop.

No matter what... I will be the man you saw. Because that is who I am. It's who I was so many years ago before I got lost.

I can't think of anything to repay the tremendous gift you gave me. I would do anything, anything at all for you -- and I'm certain you know that.

But I will honor you this way: I will prove you right. I will do all the things, the hard things, to be the best me. This is my thank you to you.

You know how tenuous that path is... how many chances to fall -- but I won't. The thought that I may one day see you again will drive me on. Because on that day, if it comes, I want to look at you and say: "You were right. Thank you."

One more thing: I know I wasn't fully ready. I understand exactly why you let me go.

But, know this:

I saw all of you -- your darkness, your pain, your hunger... and I would take it all. I would give all of me for all of you.

I can tell you that's a rare gift. And it's here... I'm here.

More than anything, though, I want to know you are happy.

If I knew you were smiling, my heart would sing.

The Inevitable Question

The inevitable question is: How did this happen?

Why was she the one?

Why could she touch me and no one else could?

What made her different?

I have some thoughts.

First, we got to know each other by text for a long time before we ever met.

A very long time. Unusually long, in my view. We kept trying to meet, but it never worked...until, well, it did.

By then, I had a good sense of her.

Either she really WAS this incredible person OR she was playing one hell of a game.

But the long period of communicating in writing certainly made me feel comfortable, even if I was somewhat cautious that first time... confident, but somewhat nervous.

Still, I hugged her. A full, warm embrace. I never hug anyone, even people I know. But, I initiated the hug.

Second, during the texting period, we both opened up -- it was slow, easy, low-key. But, every time I introduced a new, potentially scary reality about me, she was cool with it.

She met me knowing MOST of those things I'm always hesitant to tell anyone. Over and over again she told me I was ok, was better than ok, was amazing.

Over and over again I imagined she was in my house, or had some other way to know how my mind works.

No one's ever talked to me like that.

I've felt good... been attracted to... enjoyed the company of …

But not like that.

Third, she was just plain kind. There was no yelling, no wild excitement. Just her. She was there at our coffee date and just talked to me. Just calm, and comfortable, and we laughed.

She was there at our lunch date and it was the same...just chill, calm, comfortable.

She kissed me tenderly the first time and I kissed back gently and we both laughed and smiled and that was it.

It was, in a way, like talking to myself. To a younger, brighter version of me.

When I held her, it was like I'd always held her.

When we were finally, really alone, it was like I was always alone with her.

I felt comfortable... safe... able to say what I wanted... able to be me and know it was ok.

Later, as she told me more of her, revealed more detail about her life, she marveled at the fact I was "undeterred."

First, I've been through a lot myself.

Second, NO ONE had ever touched me like that. No one had made me feel safe.

Whatever experiences she'd had, those experiences made her the person that reached me like no one else.

After that night... there was almost nothing she could have said that would have made me go away.

I never knew I could be touched like that.

"Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is to live without intimacy..." says Bono on "Every Breaking Wave."

And I assumed that was the case for me...that intimacy, true closeness, tender, sweet lovemaking...would never, ever happen.

And then it did.

With her.

Not having something I didn't even know was possible...it hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. And I've faced a lot of pain.

NOTHING hurts like this.

Sometimes, I think I'd be better off not knowing.

But, that's not true...

I'm so, so very thankful for what she showed me.

It may never, ever happen again.

But now, I know it can. It's possible.

Even before that night, I wanted her badly...was willing to give her all of me...and, after that night, … even today... I'd give her anything... all of me. Everything.

And I'll take ALL of her.

The good, the bad, the hurt, the pain. All of it.

When you can do that... with someone who will do that for you...

That's a rare and special gift... you should appreciate it in the moment, and appreciate it for life.

I often think of "All the Light We Cannot See..."

I saw ALL her light.

I saw it in the moment.

Even then, I knew it might not last...

But I was fully present, fully engaged.

She had all of me.

And all of me is still here for her today, tomorrow, for always.

Away

For what seems like forever...for 100 years...for as long as I can remember the sweetest dream I had was a dream of going away.

I wanted to escape.

To leave home.

To leave here.

To not be... where I was.

I wanted to go away.

I sat in my car and dreamed of going away...

I cried in the men's room at a conference because I wanted to go away.

I sat on the hot black metal park bench at work because I wanted to go away.

Even when I found you, I was thinking of going away.

Of just going away.

As I came to know you, that dream changed.

I wanted to go to you.

And... and I wanted to deal with it all. To be clean and free and completely available to you.

But you took me anyway.

You held me like no one ever has.

You made me feel safe.

And it was a lot … I wasn't used to it. At all.

No one had done that.

And … and I wanted to make it all go away.

Which meant confronting a lot.

And I was … ready.

There was no conflict, no confrontation, no challenge I would not take on if on the other side, I knew you'd be there.

I understand that all of that... all of it still...it's a lot. It's too much, as you finally said. It's a lot to ask of anyone.

But. You made me feel safe. You touched me. You touched me in a way no one has.

And... there is nothing I wouldn't give up to have dealt with much of this before I met you.

Nothing.

I can't go back in time.

I can only go forward.

You challenged me to push forward. Challenged me to be the best me.

If you could see what's happened since, you'd be … proud, amazed, impressed.

You'd smile. I know you would.

I still am working through a lot of this...

But I won't stop.

My dream is that YOU are on the other side.

But... no matter what, the best ME is on the other side.

I won't stop. I can't.

You lit a fire in me that will never burn out.

I want to say thank you.

I want so much more.

I want to see your smile again.

I want you to hold me close and kiss me and tell me I'm you're favorite.

I want to be as deep inside you as I can be and to look into your eyes and kiss you.

I want you to possess me and I want to possess you and I want US to be a flame that lights the night.

And I want to say I'm sorry.

Because I know what I could be for you... I made those choices. The ones before you.

And I can't go away.

I can only take them on. Deal with the consequences. Confront, address, move on.

You made me laugh... you made me smile... and … and I cried with you. Which has never, ever happened before.

You saw weak, hungry, desperate me... you saw me.

And you told me I was ok... told me I was amazing.

I'm still taking them on .. all of them. And I will win.

None of this would have happened without you.

I would have kept going.

Calm, seemingly happy, dying inside.

You showed me the heat of the sun. The light of a star.

I won't walk away anymore. I will take steps forward every single day.

My hope is those steps lead to you.

Nothing

Nothing feels the same.

The little tricks.

The long walks, the loud music, the hot showers.

Nothing feels the same.

All the tiny things, the stolen moments, the mundane, everyday that made me smile.

None of it works now.

Not since you.

Not since I felt fully, completely happy.

I thought I'd been happy before. I thought I'd been whole before. I thought I was … at least fine.

And then … you.

Euphoria.

Words fail to describe the feeling.

Like touching the sun. Or holding a star.

Something impossible...everything impossible -- felt real, felt possible with you.

I was on fire.

That fire still burns.

But the sunny day, the happy song... nothing.

Only an empty heart receives them.

I am … incomplete, desolate, broken...

What would once have brought a certain smile or a hearty laugh bring nothing...

Only you can bring it back.

I only want what I never knew I needed.

Only all of you.

Every day.

Until then, nothing...nothing makes me smile.