Even My Dreams Were Small

Before you

Even my dreams were small

I used to dream. 

In this great, mundane life of mine 

I had a world. Better than where I’m from 

Safe. Comfortable 

My fantasies seemed exotic, adventurous

Then you 

A reality so bright

I knew it was real. Where I belonged. 

Where we belonged 

And then you were gone

And my dreams 

The ones I’d had before

Those dreams, those fantasies

Pale when compared to the reality of you 

My dreams were not enough

So accustomed to accepting less

I even dreamed small dreams 

Simple escapes

I never knew reality could mean you

Could mean love 

Could mean a world I wanted. 

Deep inside

A world I’d long since forgotten I’d ever thought of

A world for someone else

Then you

Opening my eyes

Holding my heart

Showing me all of me

All of us

A reality I now long to claim

And will claim

And you

I want you there

By my side

The two of us

Claiming a world we deserve 

Our reality bigger than any dream

Our light bolder than all others 

Embracing every possibility 

Creating even more

The end of small dreams

The beginning of fantastic reality

A world spinning at the touch of our hands

Dark

The room was dark. So dark I couldn’t see her. She couldn’t see me

But I felt her. Felt desire. Heat. Hunger. 

She felt me

I can feel her fingers on my shoulders. Gripping. Holding me as if she’d never held anyone. 

I can feel my hands. On her waist. On the curve of her hips. Pulling her to me. As close as I could. 

I can feel desire growing. 

And I All I want. All we want. Is for our lips to dance. To sing to each other. 

To say: I know.

Five Minutes

I have five minutes.

I have just five minutes.

Here is what I want:

I want to feel the grip of your long, pale fingers around my shoulders.

Feel you hold me like you've never held a man before.

Feel you kiss me like my breath is the air you breathe.

Feel you close to me like no one has ever been before

Feel you want me closer … closer … closer

Not two who become one... not me inside you

But...our minds, our hearts, inside each other

Our bodies unable to stop

I'm pulling you to me

You're kissing me so I can't breathe

The only air is you

The only way out is you

The only hope is you

YOU are all that is in this room

And for just five minutes

I want you to hold me, kiss me, pull me to you

Just five more minutes

Just like that

Like that night

And then I'll go

I'll go away

At 44, I'll be gone

From you

Forever

I'll give you all I have

All the nothing I've acquired

If you'll give just five minutes

The Journey

So. I keep a catalog in my mind of all the moments of happiness. The minutes of pure joy. 

I would trade all of them, every single one. For the chance to be completely available when we met. 

You … us.  Being with you. I was happy. Really, truly happy. For those few months, I was happy. Before then, you were the light of my days. And then, you were a fire in my soul. Our trip, our escape… a fantasy. A reality… a kind of love I’d forgotten I’d ever wanted. 

I’m ok now. Alone. I’m happy. That fire didn’t go out. You still burn inside me. 

But. I want you. You were there when this journey started. I want you with me now. Today. For as long as we both can walk this path. Even if it is only until tomorrow. 

Together, our fire will drive the world.

She Touched Me

I was 43 the first time.

I was 43.

43 the first time someone really touched me.

43 when I felt what it was like for someone to touch me.

To touch me with love.

To touch me without judgment.

To touch me without hurting me.

I was 43 when I was touched for the first time.

No questions.

No reservations.

No holding back.

She touched me.

Wholly. Completely.

She touched me.

I was 43 the first time.

One Day

One day, you stop running.

One day, you stop.

You take a look around.

You're not there anymore.

There's no screaming. No hitting. Nothing.

You don't know where you are.

Don't know how you got there.

Don't know what's next.

Here you are.

You've made it.

Chaos no longer reigns.

And you cry.

You cry harder than you ever have.

You've been running so fast, so hard.

Not paying attention to where you were going.

And here is better.

It's definitely better.

But you cry harder.

And you can't stop.

You've been running for 20 years, maybe more

And you're not sure where you are

You only know you're not there.

You wouldn't have chosen this

Had you been walking, paying attention

Taking time to stop

But you couldn't

So you just ran

And ran

And ran

And now, now?

Where do you go from here?

You can't go back

It doesn't work that way

So now...now what?

I knew on Thursday

I knew on Thursday.

Holding her hand.

The ballet.

Beautiful.

The last night in a new city.

I knew on Thursday.

Her hand in mine.

I knew that night.

Before we made love.

I knew it would be soon.

Over.

You can't hold a shining star forever.

Would it be one week? Two?

It didn't matter.

I knew.

I also knew I wouldn't stop. Would keep going.

I would take every day. Every moment.

To be in her presence was pure joy.

I knew she wanted this, but needed more.

I knew what I could give, and I gave it all.

Together that night, our bodies one, I knew.

We were lovers, intimate, close, meeting each other's needs.

One week later, she'd tell me she could still feel that night, could still feel me inside her.

Two weeks later, we were planning the next year.

Three weeks later, talk of homes and summer and a forever bright future.

As the fourth week began, our time was near the end.

A perfect night. One more.

A simple message.

All too much.

The end.

I knew on Thursday.

And held on to her star for four weeks more.

The joy a now bittersweet memory.

Each day, an easier walk without her.

And still. Thursday. Her hand in mine. A memory of a simple, perfect moment.