A Few of My Favorite Things

 Some interesting stories designed to get the blood circulating!

She wore ankle strap heels . . . 

An offer accepted . . . 

As soon as the door clicked . . . 

The Simulation

The closest thing I can think of that describes this feeling is the feeling you get in that very first moment when you hold your child. Of course, if you've never had a child, you can't feel this. You don't know this feeling.

That's something that can't be simulated. Or, well, maybe it can b/c maybe everyone reacts … but in that instant, looking into the eyes of someone you helped create. That is real. Then there is "christening" or a photo or a dress or outfit or grandparents and all the other bullshit that is make believe.

But... if you'll let yourself have that instant...that moment...those few seconds. That feeling. That IS what LOVE is.

The simulation is designed to keep you from that feeling. Because if you felt that, you would do anything. If you felt that, you COULD do anything. And that would fuck up the simulation. So, you put on the tux and the dress and you get the apartment and the house and you buy the van you need for kids and you keep following the simulation.

This.

Is.

Real.

"I love the fuck out of you..." She said out loud.

I keep saying, alone, on walks … in my office.... at night "I love you so much...."

What I mean is: I LOVE you. As in: I've NEVER actually loved someone before. I loved in the simulation way.

This is different. And the only thing that comes close is that feeling... that instant - when you hold a child that's yours for the first time.

This IS love.

Fuck the simulation.

Safe. Home. Enough.

When I think of her, I think of three words. Safe. Home. Enough.

With her, I am safe.

With her, I am home.

With her, I am enough.


She is my home. She is safe. She is enough.

Those three things: That's all I've ever wanted.

To be safe. To be home. To be enough.

Whatcha Doin?

It was a simple, casual text.

"Whatcha doin?!"

Umm. well, you haven't responded or texted me in 2 days, so...

yeah.

I'm drowning in a puddle of my own tears because I don't know what the fuck is going on with you and you haven't messaged me in two days.... all AFTER the past week and all that was said between us.

When I saw your name flash on my screen, what I was doing was thinking that what needs to happen is I need to tie you up with the goddamn red silk tie you insisted I buy and use my fingers and mouth to make you cum so many times you can't feel your arms or legs and then fuck you long and hard... then hold you as we both fall asleep, then wake up and fuck you again...  so that the very next time you even *think* I might be texting you your clit tingles and your panties melt and MAYBE you'll at least fucking acknowledge that I'm here. 

That's what I'm doin?!

What do you think?

A chicken sandwich in 2016

I can still see the moment in 2016. The exact second I knew.

I can feel the pain, the anger, the redness on my face.

Inside, I made a decision. THAT. WAS. IT.

And, I can still taste the chicken sandwich of denial 30 minutes later.

The taste of peanut oil and white meat and buttered bread.

The laughter.

The pretending.

It didn't happen, it won't happen again.

It's better if I just let it go.

It's better to let go.

And, well, it was better. For a minute. A day. A week.

Until it wasn't better. Until it hurt worse. Until I lost. Lost it all. Lost even the one who gave me hope.

I ate a chicken sandwich in 2016 and it killed my future. Made me sick with regret. Destroyed opportunity.

The pain of that bitter meal stings even now, and will sting until the end.

I knew... EXACTLY what needed to happen. And did none of it.

I ate a sandwich. I smiled. I laughed.

And I died inside.

100% white meat death.

On the Roof

I once wrote that I'd climb the Eiffel Tower to be met by a thousand snakes if I knew at the end, you'd be there.

Well, in our first meeting of the second round of "us," you took me to the roof of your building. 5 stories high. A beautiful view of the city. I didn't even ask. Didn't protest. Didn't resist. Sure, I'm terrified of heights.

But, you were there. I would walk anywhere with you. No, it wasn't a towering monument filled with snakes, but in retrospect, it should have scared the hell out of me.

You give me comfort and peace in a way no one else has.

Will I walk the stairs and climb onto the roof and sit for an hour and talk with you while we see the city? YES!

And I will feel calm, confident, in control, at peace.

Because you are there. Because with you, I'm the best me.

With you, I do the things my heart wants... I live the life I've dreamed of living.

Just your presence... is enough.

We were on the roof... sharing our worlds.

I've never, ever been happier.

Don't Marry Your Best Friend

A very common piece of advice young people are given is that they should "marry their best friend."

Don't fucking do it.

The sentiment, the intention, is nice. I mean, of course you want to be able to get along with the person who you've agreed to spend ALL of your life with.

BUT.

Does that person also light your soul on fire?

Sure, your best friend is there when you need them most … and they've seen the ugly parts of you and are still around.

BUT.

Your spouse will be there EVERY FUCKING DAY.

FOREVER.

So, yes, sparks die out.

But.

Have you ever touched the sun?

Have you ever met someone that made it feel like you were touching the sun...and that when you did, you didn't burn up or get absorbed, you only became brighter?

THAT.

Does your best friend do that?

No?

The person who lights your soul on fire.

THAT.

That is who you should marry/partner/commit to.

Because one day, that best friend will piss you off or miss something or fuck something up.

And … well, sure, they were there for you all that time. But, you don't have some memory of a soul on fire. You can't look into their eyes and see a flame ignite. Because it was never there.

Choose the sun.

The sun is a flame... a heat... that sustains life.

That person that you'd fuck in the laundry room while your kids are watching another PBS show? YEAH. THAT IS LIFE.

That's the essence of life.

Your best friend is reliable, yes. They show up, yes. And maybe, just maybe, the sun for you is not always there...

But … that warmth, that heat, that passion... hell, even the memory of that passion...that's sustaining...it's life-giving.

Sure, you need a best friend.

But maybe not in your house...or as your permanent life partner.

Life may not be as predictable when you marry the Sun...but it will be warmer, happier, more emotional, more complete.

Keep your best friend.

Marry the fire.