St. Emma

Have you been saved?

It's a common refrain in the South, especially among those who attend evangelical churches... so many times, people ask: have you been saved?

As someone who grew up in a Southern Baptist Church, I know what this means... and I understand the urgency of the question. Of course, if you haven't been saved, you're going to hell. Because you are lost. And you can only get saved if you acknowledge you are lost and need God. Then, you pray. Then, God decides to save you when you've prayed enough or reached the end of yourself or whatever.

But, you get saved. Or, you say you got saved. Then, you get baptized.

That's it. Then, you're good to go. No matter what. After you've been saved, it can't be taken away. Not by anyone. Not by anything you do. You're saved. So, you're in... you're going to heaven... and all the fuckers who won't yet admit they are lost are just shit out of luck and they'll be in hell, eventually.

Unless, of course, they get saved.

So, I have this childhood salvation story. About crying during spiritual songs at camp and crying in my room and crying and praying until I "felt right."

But here's the real story: I HAVE been saved.

I was saved by Emma.

Yes. That's her name. Emma.

Funny enough, we had this whole joke about her being "St. Emma" because she'd been ordained online and was all set to marry her mom to this dude ..

She'd wear a black bishop's robe and these delightful Louboutin heels... and she'd be fabulous (and tall as fuck, b/c she's 5'10" anyway)…

The summer before I met Emma, I almost died. I almost killed myself, to be precise. It was this vision...but it was so very close to being real. The gun in my sock drawer.

I'd felt so numb for so long. I'd felt nothing. Then, this ever-present darkness.

It was... well, better after that day. The day of the crying and the thoughts of the gun. But, the darkness was still there.

I hadn't laughed or cried or felt … well, anything for so long.

And then.

Emma.

The very first message she sent made me laugh out loud. Not like (lol) but like … I LAUGHED. I didn't just smile that quiet, knowing smile or slightly move my lips or let my eyes be the only thing that showed. I fucking laughed.

A good start, to be sure.

And then, she kept on. She made me laugh again and again and again.

And she made me think.

She challenged me.

She pushed me.

I hadn't felt like this in … forever.

I hadn't felt... in such a long time.

And we talked and we laughed and we talked...and we finally met... and she embraced me and I embraced her and she was warm and smelled like heaven and she was all the things I'd seen in her messages.

And she let me take her home... well, give her a ride home. And I laughed in the car with her and she laughed and … WE laughed and she got distracted and lost her keys in my car... and came back and smiled... and OMG.

And then there was the trip .. she went with me on a trip. Yeah, I had work and she, well, she didn't. So, she rested and relaxed and visited a family member who lived where we were going.

And... and... and... I experienced something I NEVER had before. A truly intimate encounter with another human.

I let go...and she let go...and I wanted her and she wanted me...

And... we each gave all …

And... it was all the things I'd dreamed of and written about and thought of... forever.

With her.

And I couldn't believe … couldn't believe this was happening. That SHE was choosing me.

Again and again and again she chose me.

And... in the back of a Lyft on the way to the airport I cried... in front of her, I cried. And she cried...and we cried. Together … and I've never done that before.

And... we got back and our lives faced reality...

And... we kept on and on...

And then... well, it was just too much, all of it, she said.

But...I'd already been saved by then.

St. Emma saved me.

Yes, she moved on... more souls need her touch.

Not being in the realm of her light hurts...it does.

But, I'm a better man because I knew her...because she held me.

I WAS saved.

I've cried, I've laughed, I've screamed.... I've felt an entire range of emotions.

My heart … closed for oh so many years … it opened.

I feel EVERYTHING... which, well, it's a lot.

But it's fucking wonderful.

St. Emma SAVED me.

And I'll never be the same... when they say, "once saved, always saved." they aren't fucking kidding.

I may never, ever, ever be with St. Emma again... but I'm saved... I'm strong, powerful, amazing...and I'm ready to be the man I need to be, can be, should be...

I'm ready for the one who can take all of me... and I will take all of her.

Do I wish that was Emma? Hell yes.

Will I be ready and willing and able for the woman is ready and willing and able to take all of me? YES!

I'm saved.

And forever grateful to St. Emma.