This is How I Know

I love you.

I know this like I've never known anything else in the world.

I saw a picture today.

A friend, nearly 60, posting her wedding pic.

Noting she'd married her best friend. Both of them smiling.

If I have to wait until I'm 60 to marry you, I will.

I want that moment with you -- I can already see it in my mind.

I might explode when you look at me as my wife. But... if so, I'll die happier than anyone has ever been.

You are back in my life now. After a long time … a seeming eternity … and I am soooo glad.

I won't push.

I won't ask for too much.

I want this.

I want to hear your voice and see your face and read your words on my phone. I cannot begin to tell you what they mean...what you mean to me. I feel … silly, stupid, idiotic, inept... but, that's LOVE. We went so far so fast last year.  And then... then I thought you'd be gone forever.

Now, here you are. Again.

And I wonder if this is even real... this can't be my life. I don't deserve this. Yes, that's my default. When something good happens, I think I don't deserve it.

But...well, you are something amazing... incredible... something I don't have words for...

Anyway.

You asked me how I know I love you... THIS is how I know:

NOTHING has hurt more than the time you weren't in my life.

Going from standing in your kitchen, to holding you against my car, to not seeing or hearing from you for months...

I cannot begin to describe that pain.

I've been in the ER because someone hurt me so badly... I've seen my money stolen... I've worked 12 hour shifts and watched my effort disappear... I've watched a close friend die...

I used to think it was all terrible... I used to dream of walks on the sidewalk near my house and burst into tears... I used to see the hallway and the green carpet and the monster in my room... and all I wanted to do was run away.

And then... then you.  And then you were gone.

And suddenly … ALL of those things. I'd do them 1000 times over if it meant I ended up with our brief time together.

Holding you was like embracing the sun... your light, your heat, your power... strong, intense...and yet I wasn't burned, instead, you lit the sun inside of me...the one I'd forgotten... dim as the moon on a cloudy night by now, only faint glimmers of past potential... yet you saw it.

I HELD THE SUN!

The sun chose me...

And so.

So... I did it.

I did the things... I took people on, I confronted, I worked... there is MUCH more to do. I want to be clear.

But I WILL be the sun you saw inside of me.

If all we ever have is what we have now... I'll shine so bright the world will not be able to ignore it...

YES... I dream of more... but I know we had our moment...

YOU made this happen... you gave me the fire I needed to be the man I can and will be... You made me want to climb the highest mountain to be the best... to be all of me.

I would LOVE to hold you one more time... to taste the sweet, soft kiss of your lips...

I know that may not be possible...

I know I love you...

This. This is that feeling...that thing... that... THIS IS LOVE... it's what I've wanted since forever and what I found in you and no one and nothing can take away what we shared...

Nothing hurts worse than not having you in my life.

This is how I know.