I want to go in ...

For so many years, I've wanted to go away. I wanted to leave the house because it hurt there. I wanted to not come home b/c of the screaming. I wanted to get out of this town because that's where it all started. I wanted to move on from college and get money. I wanted to leave this job because I couldn't stand the people. I wanted to walk away from this relationship because I couldn't deal with what was happening.

Always going away meant the problems kept stacking up... they didn't leave just because I did.

But, my life was good enough. Comfortable, pleasant. Sure, these things hung over me, but I could always walk away. Make a slight change... not deal with it.

Plus, I made decisions. Good ones, sure. But also, some that got me into situations... that I wanted to walk away from...

In fact, I should NOT have been doing what I was when I met you.

It was one more instance of me walking away...or, distracting myself from the reality of my situation.

Still, of all the decisions I've made.. the not so good ones, I do NOT in any way regret doing what I was when we met.

It seems impossible I would have met you otherwise. And, by chance, I met YOU. A truly amazing, kind, gentle soul who showed me the me I'd forgotten.

For the first time, I didn't want to go away.

I wanted to go in... all in. With you.

But, that meant dealing with a stack of shit I'd left to the side for years...

No matter, taking that pile on is easy when compared to the idea of not having you..

You're back now, in some ways.

And I've spent months dealing with things that once seemed overwhelming but now seem trivial.

I wish I hadn't always been going away... I wish I had stopped and dealt with things...but, that seemed to be a sure path toward disruption, discomfort. I'd had enough of that.

I've said before, but it bears repeating: I would trade anything for the opportunity to have met you AFTER I'd dealt with all of this... I wish we were meeting for the first time today.

But, that's not how it works.

Life is messy.

There's no explanation for why we met when we did.

I am beyond thrilled it happened, even if we can never be more than friends going forward.

My life is forever changed b/c of what you meant (and mean) to me.

I won't be walking away again...

I want to go in …