I want to go in ...

For so many years, I've wanted to go away. I wanted to leave the house because it hurt there. I wanted to not come home b/c of the screaming. I wanted to get out of this town because that's where it all started. I wanted to move on from college and get money. I wanted to leave this job because I couldn't stand the people. I wanted to walk away from this relationship because I couldn't deal with what was happening.

Always going away meant the problems kept stacking up... they didn't leave just because I did.

But, my life was good enough. Comfortable, pleasant. Sure, these things hung over me, but I could always walk away. Make a slight change... not deal with it.

Plus, I made decisions. Good ones, sure. But also, some that got me into situations... that I wanted to walk away from...

In fact, I should NOT have been doing what I was when I met you.

It was one more instance of me walking away...or, distracting myself from the reality of my situation.

Still, of all the decisions I've made.. the not so good ones, I do NOT in any way regret doing what I was when we met.

It seems impossible I would have met you otherwise. And, by chance, I met YOU. A truly amazing, kind, gentle soul who showed me the me I'd forgotten.

For the first time, I didn't want to go away.

I wanted to go in... all in. With you.

But, that meant dealing with a stack of shit I'd left to the side for years...

No matter, taking that pile on is easy when compared to the idea of not having you..

You're back now, in some ways.

And I've spent months dealing with things that once seemed overwhelming but now seem trivial.

I wish I hadn't always been going away... I wish I had stopped and dealt with things...but, that seemed to be a sure path toward disruption, discomfort. I'd had enough of that.

I've said before, but it bears repeating: I would trade anything for the opportunity to have met you AFTER I'd dealt with all of this... I wish we were meeting for the first time today.

But, that's not how it works.

Life is messy.

There's no explanation for why we met when we did.

I am beyond thrilled it happened, even if we can never be more than friends going forward.

My life is forever changed b/c of what you meant (and mean) to me.

I won't be walking away again...

I want to go in …

This is How I Know

I love you.

I know this like I've never known anything else in the world.

I saw a picture today.

A friend, nearly 60, posting her wedding pic.

Noting she'd married her best friend. Both of them smiling.

If I have to wait until I'm 60 to marry you, I will.

I want that moment with you -- I can already see it in my mind.

I might explode when you look at me as my wife. But... if so, I'll die happier than anyone has ever been.

You are back in my life now. After a long time … a seeming eternity … and I am soooo glad.

I won't push.

I won't ask for too much.

I want this.

I want to hear your voice and see your face and read your words on my phone. I cannot begin to tell you what they mean...what you mean to me. I feel … silly, stupid, idiotic, inept... but, that's LOVE. We went so far so fast last year.  And then... then I thought you'd be gone forever.

Now, here you are. Again.

And I wonder if this is even real... this can't be my life. I don't deserve this. Yes, that's my default. When something good happens, I think I don't deserve it.

But...well, you are something amazing... incredible... something I don't have words for...

Anyway.

You asked me how I know I love you... THIS is how I know:

NOTHING has hurt more than the time you weren't in my life.

Going from standing in your kitchen, to holding you against my car, to not seeing or hearing from you for months...

I cannot begin to describe that pain.

I've been in the ER because someone hurt me so badly... I've seen my money stolen... I've worked 12 hour shifts and watched my effort disappear... I've watched a close friend die...

I used to think it was all terrible... I used to dream of walks on the sidewalk near my house and burst into tears... I used to see the hallway and the green carpet and the monster in my room... and all I wanted to do was run away.

And then... then you.  And then you were gone.

And suddenly … ALL of those things. I'd do them 1000 times over if it meant I ended up with our brief time together.

Holding you was like embracing the sun... your light, your heat, your power... strong, intense...and yet I wasn't burned, instead, you lit the sun inside of me...the one I'd forgotten... dim as the moon on a cloudy night by now, only faint glimmers of past potential... yet you saw it.

I HELD THE SUN!

The sun chose me...

And so.

So... I did it.

I did the things... I took people on, I confronted, I worked... there is MUCH more to do. I want to be clear.

But I WILL be the sun you saw inside of me.

If all we ever have is what we have now... I'll shine so bright the world will not be able to ignore it...

YES... I dream of more... but I know we had our moment...

YOU made this happen... you gave me the fire I needed to be the man I can and will be... You made me want to climb the highest mountain to be the best... to be all of me.

I would LOVE to hold you one more time... to taste the sweet, soft kiss of your lips...

I know that may not be possible...

I know I love you...

This. This is that feeling...that thing... that... THIS IS LOVE... it's what I've wanted since forever and what I found in you and no one and nothing can take away what we shared...

Nothing hurts worse than not having you in my life.

This is how I know.

I Wanna Learn a Love Song

So, I've always loved Harry Chapin -- it's a thing I shared with my dad. He'd play a Harry Chapin tape in his car -- the one with the cassette player. And he knew all the lyrics and he'd sing terribly along and I'd laugh with him.

Lately, I've been thinking of this Harry Chapin song: I wanna learn a love song. In particular, these lyrics:

And all them pinup girls in that tinsel world
Never touched me like she can

Chapin was comparing the woman he was with (Sandy, his eventual wife) to the women he'd met during time he spent in California.

But here's the thing: Sandy was married to a lawyer and had three kids.

Harry was just there to teach guitar.

What happened next didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical.

Sandy was married. Harry was a young guy trying to make it in music with no money.

Sandy had kids...

Sandy was another man's wife.

Sandy didn't want to "learn a love song..." Sandy wanted to be in love.

I'm sure she had good feelings about her husband... I'm sure she'd told him she loved him. I'm sure she did love him.

They had three children together. By all accounts, there life was "on track."

But what Harry felt -- and what Sandy felt - was LOVE.

Ultimately, Sandy left her husband and married Harry.


The bottom line: The two of them felt love for each other -- true, intense, deep love. Harry made something happen inside Sandy that no one else had. She left a good life and a family to claim that feeling.

This … this song. This is how I felt about .. her.

Sure, the circumstances were different.

But the feeling...

I told her on the phone one night that I couldn't describe how I felt about her... I had no words.

I make money from writing... from telling stories... from using words to paint pictures. And no words could describe how my heart felt with her... none.

None of how we met or dated or came together made any sense. At all. If I told this story to 1000 people, none of them would believe it. If I told to 10 people who've known me for some time, none of them would believe it.

I thought there was maybe a 1% chance she'd say yes to a coffee date IF I called her. We'd tried to meet via text and it just wasn't happening... so, I reasoned, if she verbally agreed, maybe she'd meet me.

I HATE using the phone... I hate calling people, I hate phone calls generally, I can't end them without feeling awkward, etc... everything about a phone call drives me crazy.

But...there was a 1 in 100 chance that IF I called her, she'd agree to meet me... to sit across from me and have coffee and look into my eyes. That's only slightly better than the 0 in 100 chance she'd do it if I didn't call.

It didn't matter. That slight difference...that chance that there was a chance... that's all I needed.

She said yes.

Holy fuck.

She said yes.

She was going to meet me for coffee.

I texted her the next morning... the day of the date. She was up, she was ready, we were meeting. She texted me when she left her apartment. She was on the way...

She walked in... I hugged her, she hugged me...

 Holy fuck.

ALL the lights went on.

ALL of them.

We talked, we laughed, we hugged, I took her home... we agreed on a lunch date...

I was walking on air.

Lunch..

A trip together... 4 days...just us.

Magic.

I learned a love song.

I learned I'd never really been in love before.

I was 43.

I can talk about why or how I got to 43 without this...

But.

It doesn't matter.

There I was... in love.

In a situation that made ZERO sense.

There I was... in the back of a Lyft in a city I visited often... with her. Crying. Crying in front of another person. Crying in front of her.

Because I knew.. she knew... this was a fantasy.

And... well... we kept on... for a bit.

This is where the story turns...

DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT.

Go back to Derry.

Do what you have to do.

One night, I stood in her kitchen... she already knew more about me than any single person in the world... but, well, I knew what I wanted. And, for the first time in my life, I was going to ask for it. Yeah, I was 43 and fuck you, yeah, I was 43 and there's a lot of reasons why I got to this point ...but God damn it...

Anyway, there I was … in her kitchen. In her apartment. In front of her. Looking into the eyes of a woman I LOVED. I LOVED.

She touched me like no else ever has... like I suspect no one will...

And I said it: I said -- I LOVE YOU.

I told her what I  needed to do... what was next.

And I told her I wanted her to come with me on the journey, even though I knew it would suck... and suck a lot.

It was a journey I'd avoided in 2005, 2012, and 2016 -- each time, the pain grew intense, but I found a "way out" and didn't do ALL I needed to do.

It was … good enough.

Plus, I figured, the odds of meeting someone so amazing I'd want to go through the pain of dealing with all of that... basically ZERO.

Good enough was... well, good enough.

DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING SHIT.

I'm ok. I'll be ok.

But I will probably never, ever meet someone like her.

We're talking again... after many months of not.

And … well, it's nice.

But... that … that soul fire... it still burns in me. but she's keeping a safe distance. She probably always will.

I wanna learn a love song... I learned a love song. I got to love and be loved. It may never, ever happen again … though this very scenario seemed so unlikely even just one year ago.

NOTHING feels like this did... like I feel for her.

I will … still … give her all of me and take every bit of her.

But …

She may be waiting... looking for someone who doesn't have all this shit to deal with... someone who has taken Derry head-on and won.

And she deserves every bit of that.

I'm getting there... but I don't blame her skepticism.

I learned a love song... I was in love with someone who was in love with me.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

That may never, ever happen...

again.

And the one lesson I take from that is: the pain of dealing with shit any time BEFORE I met her...

I would climb the highest mountain and meet 1000 snakes if I knew at the end, I'd see her face.

But life doesn't work like that... you can't go back and make different choices.

So.. confront your demons... deal with your shit.

Be ready for that surprise love song to get to you.

I saw Nirvana and I saw it slip away.. yes, I held it for a moment... and I'll cherish that forever... perhaps... maybe, it will come around again... she will come around again...

But the pain of not knowing... of walking away … of watching her leave...

I wanna learn a love song... and sing it with her until I die.

Not Like This

The whole time... the whole time we were together, I felt it was, well, bizarre.

It was strange the way we met... odd the place we met.

All of it... the trajectory of our coming together … highly unlikely.

But, there we were. Together. Having coffee and then lunch and then more and then a trip and then...

I said you were amazing...and you are. You said I was incredible.

You once asked me to describe how I felt about you...

And, well, I couldn't … I couldn't find the words.

I'd said the words "I love you" to others...but, those words seemed to fail to convey the complete possession of my heart... you had (and still have) ALL of me.

I can't help it and I can't stop it and I have never been happier in my life.

I used to think: This, this is good. Or, wow...

But... you.

I've never loved like this. Not with all of me. Not completely.

I've never accepted ALL of someone else... not completely.

And... well, I know our brief time had to end...

And... I'm thrilled you're back in my life.

If we never have again what we had in those brief moments, I'll at least have that time...those weeks and days and minutes .. to look back on and remember what it was like to be lost in love.

And when I see you now, I see love.

I respect you...

The basis of love is respect.

If all you want now is to work with me, to sit with me, to talk to me... I can do that.

For more than a week now, I've slept well... and I'm not crying every day.

I'm not crying at all.

Having you in my life... in any way … is true beauty.

You know where I stand... what I want: ALL of you.

But know this: No one has touched me like you do, like you can.

I am here. For you.

I want all of you and I'll give you all of me.

I've never loved like this... and just a moment in your presence is like a thousand perfect summer days.

If you never want more than just "this" just working and being and talking... I'm here.

But if you decide you want what we had in those moments we shared, I'm here.

Those days we had together...that feeling... it can be real every single day.

I've never loved.

Not like this.

Let me say this

When you texted me... just then. That night. You said, "How are you?!"

That's what you said.

Let me say this: The woman I love more than I've every loved anyone hasn't talked to me in nine months... how do you think I am?

Let me say this: I thought I'd been in love before, I really did. I thought I'd given all of me.

But: I hadn't.

There's no reason you would or should believe me. I'm sure other people have said, "I love you more than anything" to you before.

But.

Dammit.

Here's the fucking evidence.

I told you EVERYTHING.

All of it.

Remember that night? Of course you do, you remember everything! The first night we were really alone together. And I told you about Michelle? Remember? Who the fuck does that? NO ONE. No man would tell you that story on his first night alone with you unless...

Unless he was already in love with you.

Unless he wasn't afraid to win...

Unless he wanted more than anything for YOU to be the one who saw ALL of him.

I LOVE YOU.

Yes, I've said those three words before. And, I've meant them. At least, as I understood them.

But. I LOVE YOU.

You can have: My phone for an entire day to see who I'm texting and who texts me. My bank accounts. My email password. Everything.

For the first time in my life I want to hide NOTHING.

Do you know why?

Because I want ALL of you.

I've already seen a lot.

And I want it all.

If I'm going to ask for all of you (and I am), I will give you ALL of me. No questions, no hiding, no secrets.

Do you know how hard that is?

I am … well, for lack of a better word...sorry.

For so long I thought: I could deal with these issues...BUT...well, it might hurt. A lot.

And, well, my life is pretty fucking pleasant. Is it perfect? No! But, who has a perfect life? Look at the shithole where I came from and then look at this...and then... yeah, why fuck that shit up, right?

In 2005, 2012, and 2016, I had moments that were so intense I thought: Now is the time.

But then, the relative comfort set in … and...

I didn't.

Let me say this: I always thought that dealing with this would be terrible, would be ugly, would be unpleasant.

Do you know what's unpleasant? What's terrible?

Meeting you and becoming a part of you and then realizing that THIS is in the way. This "thing" that I've not addressed.

I'm addressing it now. After

It may well be too late for you...and that's fair. But, I'll be a better man in any case.

NOTHING has hurt like realizing that if I'd just done this sometime before August of 2018, I'd have been totally available for you.

NOTHING hurts that bad.

This hurts.

But also: I'm better and stronger now.

You may still be reluctant, skeptical. Or, maybe you've moved on to someone who has conquered his shit or has less shit to start with... ok.

Just know this: I NOW know what love IS.

I will do anything to be the man you saw inside me. ANYTHING. And I will take ALL of you. I know it is not all sunshine and light. I know. I'll give you ALL of me and I'll take ALL of you.

ALL.

I LOVE YOU.

The Sun

For a brief moment, I held the sun.

For a brief moment, the sun held me.

The sun touched me like I'd never been touched.

For so, so many years I'd been guided by the moon.

Just enough light. A light in the darkness.

Sometimes, the moon was big, bright, brilliant...it's light would sustain me for days.

Sometimes, the moon was gone, or barely there. But, it was just enough.

I kept going. Guided by what I thought was the most brilliant light. The light most likely to keep me safe, to guide me home.

Then.

Then one day.

One day, the sun.

The sun shone bright. So bright, at first I didn't even believe it.

This couldn't be real … it couldn't be true.

There's no light like this... no light I can see that's this bright.

Surely, no light this strong can shine on me.

But you did.

You became my sun.

Hot, intense, persistent, constant, brilliant.

And you were there day after day after day as if there were never any clouds.

And as I came to know you, I saw the clouds... the ones you'd never let show … you were always so bright, so brilliant for me.

You were my sun... the essence of my existence .. Your brightness kept me alive, kept me moving forward.

One night, I held you... I held the sun. She held me back, embraced me with a warmth I never knew was possible.

I gave everything to the sun... your light was so bright, you saw all of me.

All of me is still here... Waiting. Waiting for the sun again.

Waiting for what I never knew I needed.

YOU are my sun.

Hot to the touch, painful at times, brilliant, beautiful, essential...

Like all things alive, I need MY sun.

All

All I needed was a text from you.

That's all.

On Thursday night, I saw a shooting star and I wished... I wished you'd be in my life again.

I know there's probably no "us" -- no "forever" no waking up in your arms in the morning again.

I want that … As I've said, I want all of you... and, I've said: The offer is still on the table.

But. Early Saturday morning, while I was asleep, you reached out.

At first, I thought it was a mistake. But, it wasn't, it turns out. Because you reached out again. And we talked.

And … well, I've cried every single day of 2019 until Saturday. Because when I woke up, your name was in my messages. And... it made me smile. And then, we talked and then again, briefly on Sunday.

And it's Wednesday and I still haven't cried.

Here's the thing: You are ALL.

So many years ago, I faced a choice.

There was the one who made me feel safe... made me know that it was going to be ok, that there would be no surprises. We had fun, we laughed, she was a friend.

Then there was the one who made my heart... made it jump. The one who in just one meeting lit my soul on fire.

What to do?

My life had been so chaotic, so unpredictable until then.

Do I go with the soul on fire and risk security? Not knowing exactly what's next …

Or, do I choose the happy friend, the reliable partner, the one who had been there through some pretty crazy shit?

Then, I got a call. A job. An offer. In the same town where the safe choice was already working. Meanwhile, the soul fire choice was moving to a new town and possibly dating someone.

Plus, even if my soul was on fire *right then* that wouldn't last, right?

And when that fire went out, I'd be left wishing I had a friend... security. A reliable partner to build with...

So, I made a choice. A perfectly rational choice. And it was … well, fine. More than fine. Incredible. Until, well, it wasn't. And there was no distant memory of a soul on fire and there was no new fire.

And then...

You.

All.

You made me feel safe... you made me feel comfortable. You let me know it was ok.

AND you lit my soul on fire.

In a way only one other person ever had.

You were... you ARE all.

When the soul fire burns out (though I suspect it won't), we'll both have a friend. Or, so I reasoned.

Actually, I didn't reason at all.

I just remembered her. The last fire starter... and I thought: This may never happen again.

I don't know what's next. Maybe just this. Maybe a text or a call or a coffee every now and then.

I know I love you. And I will always love you.

I know the fire you started inside me is still burning.

I know you make me feel safe.

All I needed was a text from you. A few words.

I want more... I want ALL.

But... as so often was the case, you gave me just what I needed. What I didn't even realize I needed.

All.