I wish we hadn't met ...

I read this yesterday and it struck me... it hit me hard:

I wish we had never met. But only so I could have the opportunity to meet you again, being better now than I was before. To have an opportunity with no preconceptions to again gain your affection, and this time, keep it. That would be a prayer answered.

I think often of how we met. How it didn't make any sense.

And I think I'd give anything to have made different choices... to have dealt with issues BEFORE that day we met.

But I also know that the series of choices I made put me in that place. That different choices would have opened different doors and closed others. That the sum of my experiences (and yours) put us in a place where we could meet.

Still, I long to have been more ready … completely ready … for what I found in you.

One time before, 20 years ago, I felt *that feeling* and I let her go. That feeling that makes my heart race, that lights my soul. It didn't make any sense at all then. And I knew, I knew where I was and what she would probably say when she knew it all. And, well, I just wasn't willing, wasn't ready. I wanted that feeling, but it didn't make sense.

Exactly 20 years later, I met you.

And it didn't make sense. At all.

And I knew all the things I knew then.

I have met people all over the country, from around the world. I've been excited, aroused, amazed, and impressed by them. Attracted to, become lovers with...

But only one other time has someone made me feel like that.

I can't really describe it.

The best I can do is this: With you, I felt both fully comfortable and on the verge of losing control.

This time, I wasn't going to let go.

It didn't make sense, but I didn't care...

I wasn't going to make that mistake again. There you were, willing, ready, encouraging. And I couldn't figure out a path forward - there we were, happy, fun, smiling -- and I could see a future -- just no clear path to get there.

But I wasn't going to deny my heart. Not again. So, I gave it all to you.

You were right, by the way. I am amazing. I don't know how you saw that given where I was at the time. But you did. And you told me over and over and over again.

I've become better, stronger... I've confronted and taken on and challenged... And I won't stop.

No matter what... I will be the man you saw. Because that is who I am. It's who I was so many years ago before I got lost.

I can't think of anything to repay the tremendous gift you gave me. I would do anything, anything at all for you -- and I'm certain you know that.

But I will honor you this way: I will prove you right. I will do all the things, the hard things, to be the best me. This is my thank you to you.

You know how tenuous that path is... how many chances to fall -- but I won't. The thought that I may one day see you again will drive me on. Because on that day, if it comes, I want to look at you and say: "You were right. Thank you."

One more thing: I know I wasn't fully ready. I understand exactly why you let me go.

But, know this:

I saw all of you -- your darkness, your pain, your hunger... and I would take it all. I would give all of me for all of you.

I can tell you that's a rare gift. And it's here... I'm here.

More than anything, though, I want to know you are happy.

If I knew you were smiling, my heart would sing.